Asperger's, agoraphobia and depression are destroying my life and my marriage

'I have tried antidepressants, -psychotherapy and psychiatric hospital admission to no avail.' Photograph: Aldo Murillo/Getty Images

I have Asperger's syndrome and have suffered from agoraphobia and depression for a decade. My family and friends slowly disappeared from the scene nine years ago. I have tried antidepressants, psychotherapy and psychiatric hospital admission to no avail. My partner's life has been blighted by this. He comes home from work to Groundhog Day – dishes unwashed, laundry undone, and me unbathed, unmoved, unbearable. I cannot bear what this is doing to him; he says he cannot bear what it is doing to me. Agoraphobia traps me indoors and precludes the use of public transport, shopping or being in crowds. Depression destroys my ability to use the phone, to talk to or be among others. I am childless and in my 30s. What do I do?

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My boyfriend recently told me he suffers from depression

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for two years. He recently told me that he has suffered from depression since the age of 15 and has been taking citalopram since he was 19 (he is now 27). We live together, and while I am aware he experiences episodes where he becomes insular, moody and fatigued, it has never caused any serious problems. We are very much in love and have a very happy and healthy relationship – but I never guessed he was suffering from depression and feel stupid for not realising what he was going through. He has never told anyone about this and I don't know how to help.

When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Private Lives asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.

‧ If you would like fellow readers to respond to a dilemma of yours, send us an outline of the situation of about 150 words. For advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns.

‧ All correspondence should reach us by Wednesday morning. Email: private.lives@guardian.co.uk (please don't send attachments).

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What is marital depression and how to avoid it

Marital depression is more common than you think, and it can destroy your marriage if you're not careful. An expert sheds some light on this rarely discussed issue and provides tips for avoiding falling victim to this rising phenomenon.

Depression?— in all shapes and forms — affects millions and millions of people each year. Whether you have a family history of it or find yourself in hard-to-handle situations, depression is not something to be overlooked.

Marital depression strikes when one person feels unusually lonely in spite of being in a relationship, which leads to depression. We asked nationally recognized marriage expert Dr. Scott Haltzman to share all about marital depression and provide tips on preventing it within your marriage.

"When couples get stuck in routines, it tends to make the marriage predictable, which is calming, but boring. And boring can be the death of marital happiness."

Dr. Scott Haltzman: Research tells us that married people, on average, are happier than unmarried people, and that being married actually reduces the risk of developing major mental illness. However, sometimes the stress of marriage can contribute to feelings of depression. Marital depression generally relates to feeling a sense of sadness, low mood and lack of energy associated with the marriage.

One woman I treated for depression had dealt with low mood and feeling a sense of control and oppression by her husband. When she got a divorce, many of her depressive symptoms of 15 years had resolved.

That being said, there are many people who suffer from depression that blame their partners, but when you look at studies of people who choose to divorce, what you find is that their depressions, on average, do not get better and they do not become happier, unless they were the victims of domestic violence or they remarried in a 5-year period during which the study took place!

SH: When couples get stuck in routines, it tends to make the marriage predictable, which is calming, but boring. And boring can be the death of marital happiness. Staying energized by marriage requires injection of novel events or activities consistently. That can range from dressing up before a date, switching identities and picking each other up at a bar, learning a new dance together or going camping together.

SH: People expect marriage to be like the Fourth of July every day. Most days it's like the fifth of July, like any other day with a fair amount of picking up to do from the day before! One of the biggest myths is that you have to be "in love" all the time, or else the marriage is DOA. In reality, many marriages have down times, and that's normal. The difference between the marriages that thrive and those that perish isn't that great — often the ones who thrive are the ones that toughed out the rough times, and now they look back and can hardly remember that they had such a difficult time.

SH: Don't try to diagnose yourself. Seek out the help of a mental health expert that can help you sort through whether this is marital depression or a different medical problem.

“Accept ownership for your own happiness. We often look to others or outside events to make us happy. Happiness truly is an inside job.”?— Dr. Ingeborg Hrabowy, clinical psychologist

“There are two components to keeping the spark alive: Avoid judgmental criticism and work to enjoy at least some of your time together. It is extremely important to curb your desire to communicate criticism to your partner. Make sure to deliver two or three positive comments to your partner each day. When you do have a criticism, deliver it with a statement that reminds your partner that you still value him. Secondly, schedule activities that you both enjoy participating in together. Let go of upset and areas of conflict during this time and focus on delighting in the activity and your partner.”?— Dr. Jill Weber, clinical psychologist

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My boyfriend's depression and anxiety is destroying our sex life

'He experiences post-coital tristesse after any intimate touching.' Photograph: Fuse/Getty Images/Fuse

I thought our sex life was great but my boyfriend lives with anxiety and depression that he refuses to see a doctor about. We're both 19 and this is our first sexual relationship. He experiences post-coital tristesse, not just after climax, but any intimate touching. It's damaging our relationship. He now says he only wants to kiss and cuddle. I'm not sure what to do. I love him but he doesn't seem to appreciate how it's affecting me.

It doesn't sound as though your sex life is "great", and I am wondering why you're continuing to bother with someone who's frustrating you to this extent? You obviously enjoy sex and consider intimacy an important part of a relationship, but your boyfriend is failing to take the hint.

Perhaps he's so depressed that he can't summon the energy to seek help, in which case you could make an appointment for him and take him to it. If he's simply afraid to address his mood and sexual problems, try to soothe him, but be firm about how this is affecting you and explain it's not an option to leave things the way they are.

Speak to him in a supportive way, saying something like, "You deserve to feel better, and I need that too" and, "I care about you, but it's hard to be with you while you're needlessly suffering." Give him one last chance then, if he refuses to be smart about this, move on; martyrdom is highly overrated.

‧ Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders

‧ If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to

private.lives@guardian.co.uk (please don't send attachments).

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