Why it's OK to love your husband more than your kids

One of the best things you can do for your children is to love your spouse. Learn exactly what putting your marriage first means and the benefits it has on your children.

The New York Times bestselling author Ayelet Waldman wrote a popular essay for the publication titled Truly, Madly, Guiltily on this very subject — loving your husband more than your kids.

Keep in mind that this does not by any means mean neglecting your children — it simply means showing your kids what a good marriage looks like. This allows them to set the bar high in their own marriages and develop healthy views of marriage. Today, we're speaking with Ayelet plus providing tips on ways to show your husband some extra love!

"Security and confidence in their family gives [kids] that much less to worry about in a complicated world."

Ayelet: Well, for one, we'll be celebrating our 20th anniversary in a couple of months. I realized longevity in and of itself is no virtue in a marriage — there are long-married couples who would have been far better off divorcing — but Michael and I have a very solid, very happy marriage. We are still in love with each other, still passionate. To maintain that level of intensity for years is a function of both luck (that we happen to have found one another) and effort. We work very hard at our relationship and try always to remember that we are on the same team.

Ayelet: First and foremost, physical affection is important in my marriage, both casual (a kiss as you pass by, an arm casually slung around the neck) and sexual. Sexual intimacy is a shortcut to emotional intimacy, or at least it is for us. It's also fun. We also try to remember not to take each other for granted, to show appreciation. If Michael spends hours on a huge dinner, I make sure to thank him and tell him how delicious it was. Goes without saying, one would think, but when six people are sitting at the table, gobbling dinner, thanks can fall by the wayside. We always remember to have one another's backs, to be loyal to each other, to defend one another. And finally, though this might sound silly, it's a symbol of something much more important — we never roll our eyes. Disdain is a marriage-killer. Don't express it, try not to feel it.

Ayelet: I believe (though I can't know this for sure?— only time will tell) that our connection is ultimately positive for our children. They feel secure in the notion both that they are loved (and they are) and that their family will remain intact. If nothing else, this security and confidence in their family gives them that much less to worry about in a complicated world.

Remember, putting your marriage first doesn't mean your kids aren't loved. Like Ayelet states, having a stable marriage gives your kids comfort and security, which for them is a huge form of love. Not only that, but when your kids leave home, you're going to be left with just your husband again. It's worth it to nurture this relationship daily so you don't grow apart and feel like you're living with a stranger. Little ways you can show him love daily include:

Leaving a love note in his lunchAsking him about his dayMaking plans together — walks, dinners out, vacations, etc.Cooking his favorite mealAsking him how you can help him

It's simple, really, but a little love goes a long way. Now go greet your husband with a kiss when he walks through that door tonight!

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I can't face my daughter's teacher, as my husband had an affair with her

'Should it be your child who pays the price for her parent's transgression?': Mariella Frostrup advises a mother still resentful about her husband's fling. Photograph: Alamy

The dilemma Three years ago I?discovered my husband of 10 years had an inappropriate relationship with a?teacher at our children's primary school. He has always denied that the relationship was sexual, but it certainly involved a lot of secrets and lies. It nearly destroyed our marriage, but we found each other again. My way of dealing with the teacher has been to ignore her, even though I "see" her regularly at the school. I?really do?not wish to have anything to do with her, which is my way of coping with her still being around my family. But now she will become the class teacher for my six-year-old daughter, probably for more than just one year. I?am thinking of finding another school for my daughter but am heartbroken for her, since she desperately wants to stay at the school – her friends and siblings are there. I cannot see how I?could communicate with this teacher in a?healthy way and cringe at the idea of having to give her responsibility for one of my children (again). How could I ever trust this person?

Mariella replies What a nightmare scenario! And how tricky for you. You ask me how you can ever trust the teacher, and I?have to say: in the same way as you've learned to trust your husband again. She is simply expected to educate your child, and I presume that's something she is competent at.

Three years is a lifetime in love, and unless this duo are enduring romantics, their shared past is most likely an uncomfortable memory, not a?tinderbox waiting to be re-struck.

It's always seemed peculiarly illogical to me that when it comes to affairs and deception the person we blame is most often the third party, not our trusted partner, though obviously we have every right to question the morality of a?person who decides to embark on an affair with somebody else's lover.

Holding those around us to a?strict moral code is all very well if we're convinced we can live up to it ourselves. I remember many decades ago being berated by a girlfriend for an ill-considered affair with a man who was already spoken for and old enough to know better; quite rightly, she questioned my motives, my lack of responsibility, my immorality and so on and, impressionable as I was in my late teens, I reacted to her tirade by ending the affair. A year later she got together with the same guy, whose marriage was by then a total shipwreck, and they got married.

I mention it only to highlight the dangers of judging others before our own motives have been similarly scrutinised. You can't police your husband's encounters with the opposite sex forever, even if he has?forfeited the right to be trusted. Relying on your ability to keep temptation at a?remove rather than on your partner making the right choices is no way to live a?life together. It's a position rock stars' and actors' partners – too often women – occupy. What a squandered life choice, standing guard outside the on-set trailer on set or at premieres, gigs or dressing-room doors. In the many instances where I've witnessed such poor souls sacrifice themselves to policing their beloved's potential for liaisons, the controlled member of the union has invariably made a dash for freedom on the arm of the first person who managed to break through the human cordon.

A cuckolded woman told me the other day that she was best friends with the husband who abandoned her a decade previously, but despite second marriages and shared custody of the children she had never spoken to her "love rival" or forgiven her for?"stealing" her husband. In black-and-white print we can all see how misguided that enmity sounds. You can't steal someone who doesn't want to go unless you kidnap them, which is a criminal offence rather than a crime of passion. The person who vowed to love and honour you did the real betraying.

So back to you. Keeping your enemy close seems very like very good advice. The nicer you are to those who would betray you, the harder you make it for their dastardly plans to come to fruition. You now have the perfect opportunity, in the name of good parenting, to lay out the olive branch, befriend your kid's teacher and show both parties how mature and magnanimous you can be. Whisking one sibling out of school is just not an option unless all the others follow suit. Should it be your child who pays the price for her parent's transgression?

My sense is that the hangover from this affair (whatever form it took) will be vanquished the moment you elect to bury the memory and douse?the embers of resentment that still burn. You've got your family intact and can afford to rise above the legacy of the past. It's not the easiest route to take, but it's definitely the smartest, and surely worth it to experience how good that higher ground feels, particularly when you may be the only one standing on it.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. To have your say on this week's column, go to guardian.co.uk/dearmariella. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1

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My Peter Pan husband is growing up at last

Lisa Brinkworth and her husband, Joseph, in 2005 with their eldest son.

Up until our wedding night eight years ago, it had entirely escaped my notice that my new husband was not quite yet grown up – in spite of the fact he was then 41. The wedding festivities over, I eagerly anticipated the start of my life as "Mrs". The wine and roses left by well-wishers in our room lost their appeal as I lay abandoned in the marital bed while hubby matched the hotel kitchen staff pint for pint.

At 3am, I stormed downstairs and demanded that my husband join me immediately. He seemed genuinely bewildered that his actions had incurred my wrath. "But we've years ahead of us, darling," he told me without a hint of remorse. "Can't I have one last blowout with the lads?"

By chance or design – I'm still not sure which – the chef had been an old university friend and I was supposed to understand that they had a lot of?catching up to do. On our wedding?night!

That pretty much set the tone for the next eight years of married life, when, exasperatingly, I found myself playing mother to a Peter Pan, albeit an adorable one.

My husband has just turned 49 and is only now showing signs of maturity – signs so fleeting, however, that I usually miss them. Until we finally swapped our west London flat for our green-belt family home last year, Joseph – "Joe" to his mates – partied and frequented late-night drinking haunts without a care in the world. I was left at home, simultaneously caring for a newborn and toddler while pregnant again, wondering when my husband would deign to arrive for dinner, or at least call to give me a clue as to when I might expect him.

All too often he would turn up around midnight to find me crying over the burnt remnants of a lovingly made supper. He could not understand why I hadn't simply seized the opportunity to have a hot soak and an early night.

On the day our first child was due – the very evening I should have gone into labour – Joseph failed to return from an important "work" meeting. My hospital bag packed, and the delivery suite number beside the bed, I was terrified I would be forced to give birth without my husband by my side.

Joseph had somehow managed to forget the date, in spite of my reminder that very morning. Fortunately for all three of us, baby Gabriel arrived two weeks late on a night that Joseph was at home, having been barricaded in for a fortnight.

To his credit, Joseph rose to the challenge and took control of the delivery when complications arose. I have to hand it to him – he does come up trumps in a crisis.

I had no problem with Joseph inviting his cousin from Sweden to stay?with us for Gabriel's first Christmas eight weeks later. That was until an overgrown gothic teenager turned up with a huge music system and a crate of beer. The much younger cousin was a DJ in Gothenburg, and the two had conspired to host a New Year's Eve party in our home at a stage when I was up all night feeding an infant. Joseph was unaware of this fact because his nights remained blissfully?unbroken.

Every pregnancy and birth heralded a new midlife crisis when Joseph would express his need for freedom in intensive bursts. At the point immediately after a positive pregnancy test, and before the impending delivery, this restlessness would erupt into the marital equivalent of an earthquake. He would actively seek out rowdy nights with friends who were just as keen as he was on the idea of fatherhood, but not quite up to the reality.

We reached a turning point one freezing cold evening when Joseph drove to the kebab shop and failed to show up until 6am. I'd spent the night waiting for news from the police officer who'd been searching London's A&E wards for a missing middle-aged, dark-haired accountant.

He walked in looking sheepish, and, for once, apologised. I gave him 10 minutes to pack his bags. I'd had enough of being the only responsible adult in our household.

But my heart softened when he turned up the next day for the boys' nativity play and tearfully begged me in front of other parents to forgive him. He'd had too much to drink and decided to sleep it off at a friend's house before attempting to drive. Fortunately, his worried friend had already corroborated his story.

To make up for his misdemeanour, he offered to "babysit" the boys while I had a much-needed night out with girlfriends. I returned home at 10pm to find them dancing to pop music loud enough to wake the entire street. The boys' hair was inexplicably gelled and coiffed, and they smelled suspiciously of aftershave. Joseph explained that they couldn't sleep and he thought a party might do the trick.

But Joseph is a great father because he is still a boy himself, and with his 50th birthday looming, and the boys now of school age, he intends to be a good role model. He has been forced to come to terms with the fact that smuggling beer into the school auction is unacceptable.

He now comes home before the boys' bedtime and calls on the rare occasion that he's going to be late. It took him eight years to work out that this one small concession would have prevented our most heated rows. I sympathise with those married women who finally gave up on their immature husbands and left. But I'm glad I've held out for my husband's infantile years to pass.

In spite of my early misgivings, Joseph has always worked hard and is the main breadwinner. And how can I forget that it was his childlike spontaneity and devil-may-care attitude that prompted him to propose on our third date and marry me three months later?

He came to marriage and fatherhood late. He hadn't seen himself as a married man. While he knew he wanted me, and children, he wasn't prepared for what that entailed and admits that in the early years the reality threw him.

He made a concerted effort to change when I threw him out – he realised that he was in danger of losing his family. That on its own made him grow up fast. To this day, he cannot believe he risked everything for his own fun.

Now that his boys are growing up, he wants them to become responsible men and is doing his best to set a good example. "Being more responsible for my family has given me more joy than I believed possible," he tells me. "I just wish I'd known it eight years ago.

"I don't want to put all the blame for my actions at the door of genetics, but I do think that the way men and women are wired has a lot to answer for."

On a recent visit to Legoland, he emerged from the Squid Surfer water ride, soaked to the skin and beaming from ear to ear. To my horror, he was clutching the hands of not three, but two children. "Where's Zach?" I yelled. "What?" he said, looking round. "I was having such fun, I didn't realise I'd left him behind."

It's progress, of a sort. A few years ago, I doubt he would have come back with even one.

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Reader stories: Why I chose to forgive my husband

Forgiveness is hard, but it's possible. Here, women share the positive side of forgiveness and reveal why they chose to forgive their husbands.

Deb and her husband have been married for 25 years. She's dealt with everything from domestic violence to cheating, but has chosen to forgive her husband and even speaks about her story in hopes of helping others. She forgave him in order to release him from holding the power and realized it was a crucial step in helping her heal. They separated twice and have gone through marriage counseling. In the end, she believes it has made their marriage stronger and they now tackle their issues together.

?“Forgiveness is for you, not the other person. It does not excuse them for what they did to you, but why carry that around with you for life? Release it and let it go.”

Maureen's husband did what all of us women fear — he had an affair with a coworker. Though she never thought she'd be able to forgive infidelity, she did for a few reasons. First, he told her about it instead of waiting until he got caught. Secondly, he disclosed everything she wanted to know without hesitation. And finally, she knows if the situation were reversed, she would have wanted to be forgiven, too. Five years later, her husband is still in therapy and their marriage has improved immensely. Their communication, something they struggled with before, is now much more clear and satisfying.

“Everyone makes mistakes. I decided to give him some time to get his act together. He did, and I'm proud of him. If I didn't forgive him, none of the last five years would have happened.”

"Some days you will feel more forgiving than others, and that's OK."

Kimberly Friedmutter, life management expert, states that “women who stay with their husbands must be prepared to experience both varying degrees in forgiveness and differences in their relationship. Some days you will feel more forgiving than others, and that's OK. Triggers can set you off into panic or fear of repeat behaviors. You may feel more insecure at times. Also, be aware that your ‘new normal' in the relationship has changed. The most successful marriages utilizing forgiveness know a new relationship must evolve from this hardship.”

Remember that the past is the past. He can't make up for it now, and by staying angry, you're only hurting yourself and your marriage. If you decide to forgive, try to fully let go and move on. Focus on rebuilding your relationship and gaining back the trust. Focus on what your husband does right, not everything he's done wrong in the past.

Live in the present. Our past shapes us, so learning to live in the present is one of the most challenging things we'll ever do. If you choose to forgive, though, it's necessary. Being stuck in the past is only preventing you from growing and preventing your relationship from flourishing. Make a conscious decision every morning to focus on today — not what happened months or years ago.

Have you learned how to forgive your husband? Tell us in the comment section below.

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Sexy! Salma Hayek says her husband loves her in leather

We all have an outfit that we know drives our guys crazy. Actress Salma Hayek is no exception: She reveals what husband Francois-Henri Pinault loves to see her wear. Tres sexy!

Ooh la la! Actress Salma Hayek knows what drives her husband, French business mogul Francois-Henri Pinault, wild — so she wears it all the time!

"I actually wear a lot of leather on the red carpet," the actress tells InStyle in a new cover interview. "My husband loves when I wear it."

She's not kidding. The actress is always accentuating her curvy body in leather, like the long-sleeve leather Bottega Veneta dress she wore to the Fondazione Cini, Isola Di San Giorgio Dinner Party last week in Venice, Italy.

We all like to look sexy?— whether it's just for us or to drive our guys wild — but how would you take it if your BF or husband tried to influence your wardrobe? Kim Kardashian did: She agreed to throw out all of her clothes last year on an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. The trade-off? Kanye West bought her a closet full of new clothes.

"Look how dope this s**t is," West told his girlfriend as she was "freaking out" over the monochromatic designer fashions. "[You're] getting on best-dressed lists now. You're stepping into this territory."

What West didn't expect, though, was the backlash he received for strong-arming his girlfriend's fashion choices.

"That was from a place of love," he told The New York Times of convincing Kardashian to change her clothes.

It also influenced his decision to stop his guest appearances on Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

"You know, the amount of backlash I got from it is when I decided to not be on the show anymore," he said. "And it's not that I have an issue with the show; I just have an issue with the amount of backlash that I get. Because I just see like, an amazing person that I'm in love with that I want to help."

Sometimes what we perceive as "help" isn't helpful at all, Kanye. Sure, it's nice to know what your guy thinks looks sexy on you — like Hayek, Pinault and leather — but completely changing your style? That's where we draw the line.

Do you let your man influence your wardrobe, or is it not his choice? Sound off below!

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Who Is My Husband Texting With?

Are you asking yourself, who is my husband texting with? I am sure you have seen some of the signs that make you suspicious, that make you think that he is up to something. Maybe he is very protective of his phone, maybe he turns his phone of before going to bed with a log in code that he keeps a secret, not willing to share it with you. When he does receive texts he walks away with the phone to answer the message in private. Does this sound like your husband?

How Can You Find Out Whom He Is Communicating With?

There are a few things that you can do to find out whom he is texting and communicating with.

Talk to your husband - the first thing you should do is talk to your husband. You might have tried this already with an outcome that you are not very happy with. You will hear one of two options, the truth or a bad excuse for his behavior that made you suspicious in the first place.Look through the call logs - if you are on the same billing plan you can go through the call logs. When you have a repeating number to your husband's cell that you don't recognize it is easy to find out whom that number belongs to. What you need to do is use a phone lookup service that will tell you the owner of the phone number and other helpful data.Use a cell phone app - another way to find out who your husband is sending messages to is using a cell phone app or software. There are a few different out there on the market but you want to look for an app that can help you with the following:Easy to installTrack all text messages, the actual message word by wordTrack all pictures and videos send and receivedTrack call logs so you can see when the calls were made and receivedWebsite visited on the phoneYou should be able to access all the data from an online account

So is there such an app/software on the market? There sure is we have investigated this app further on our site.

We all wish we lived in open honest relationships; sometimes that is not always the case. If you don't know for sure though that your husband is up to something there might be a perfectly fine explanation to the behavior that has made you suspicious. So try to talk to him give him a chance to tell you what is going on. If you are still asking yourself "who is my husband texting with" after your conversation you might want to investigate further.

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I want to leave my abusive husband, but I'm too afraid

"Millions of women have suffered in the same way, made their escape and continued to lead a life free from threat." Photo: Dani Rodriguez/Alamy

The dilemmaI am 28 years old and have been with my husband for six years, married for two. I want to leave it because there's no reason to stay. It does not work. I get unemployment and we live with my sister. I have three children who are not his and he does not seem to understand that I don't want him screaming my kids all the time. He cheated on me and abused me physically. It is not more, but when he gets upset, as I can tell he still has this side violent which is one reason why I'm afraid to leave. What can I do?

Mariella answersLet certainly, but gives plans carefully; Normally, I am not in favour of the sneakiness, but your letter leaves me little illusions and little faith in your husband to redeem qualities. If he is physically in danger you and let alone actually harming you, then you must be in contact with social services. It is called physical abuse and unlike much of the third world where smacking your wife is the husband of divine right, we have laws and agencies of protection to ensure that the weakest and most vulnerable must not live in fear.

Ministry of the Interior has recently published an updated plan of action for the elimination of violence against women and children and expanded the definition of domestic violence to publicize the problems of young people and integrate the concept of coercive control as a form of abuse. In other words, you do not to be black and blue around to ask for help. Instead, taking control of your destiny and ensure the safety of your children is much better while emotions are not at their increased and the danger this man pose for you and your family to the extreme.

Refuge is a fantastic organization that provides advice and practical help to those who are hostage to violence from a partner. Help of the women is a charitable organization national domestic violence dedicated to helping children and vulnerable women. There is also the National Violence helpline domestic freephone on 0808 2000 247.

Too many women are waiting until they are crawling on their hands and knees to ask for help, assuming wrongly the severity of their case is judged by regularity and the end of violence. You do not want your first call to be a hospital rather than a helpline.

We pay taxes so that our humanist values are reflected in the services that put us at the disposal of all members of our society, by ensuring that those who need support, as you and your children have access to a system which guarantees equality of rights and protection for all. In this case it is certainly your right and your duty as a mother to access this help.

I know that with three young children, your hands are full, but you should not let this explosive situation to continue. We are all making mistakes in love, but such errors can be corrected. Now that you have identified the inadequacies of this man and his capacity for violence, you need to maintain the momentum. Talking to social services, talk to the Refuge, enlist the help of your sister and plot your escape.

A man who is abusive, aggressive kids and good for anything, it is simply not an option for a mother of three children. If you take your own safety and security seriously is your business, but your kids have the right to be protected and not live twilight lives in the shadow of your fear. I appreciate the enormous obstacles loom in your current situation and how far that any possibility of release of this dysfunctional partnership must appear, but you should take heart from the example of millions of women who have suffered in the same way, made their escape and continued to lead a happy and fulfilling life free of threat.

According to figures of the Fawcett Society, one woman in three in this world will be the victims of domestic violence at some point in their lives. The only positive aspect is that this confirms that you are far from alone.

You can change your life and you've already made your first step. You have all chances of a new existence, free of abuse. It is no time to try to go it alone. In your case the back up of qualified professionals will be essential, not only for tips, but also to help allay your justified apprehension. Once you're standing your own two feet, you'll be surprised how easy it is, you will find the direction that you need to start walking.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1

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Experience: I've worn the same outfit as my husband for 35 years

'We have four wardrobes of twin outfits, hanging two by two.' Photograph: Webb Chappell for the Guardian

When I met Donald, he always wore a?suit and tie. He had a?very formal upbringing and refused to take off his jacket, so when he came to visit one hot and humid summer, I thought he was going to melt. I?came up with a plan: I made him a short-sleeved shirt as a gift, knowing he'd wear it so as not to hurt my feelings. It?worked, and after we married I?carried on making his shirts.

The man at the fabric shop was always very generous when he cut my fabric, so, after checking Donald didn't mind, I would make myself a?matching blouse with the leftovers. It was fun going out in coordinating shirts – in high school in the US, it means you're "going steady", which was a giggle to us, since we were married. We got lots of compliments and people who would normally just walk on by stopped to talk to us. We?enjoyed the attention and we also enjoyed how we looked.

Then Donald suggested I?make our bottom halves match, too, so we started amassing a whole wardrobe of clothes. Initially we matched only at weekends, but as I?grew adept at making more complex garments, such as jackets, sweaters and coats, we decided to go full-time with our identical look. We never needed to go clothes shopping again.

Now, 35 years on, we have four wardrobes of twin outfits, hanging two by two, organised by season and occasion. I always make myself a?feminine version of Donald's outfit, though; it's not unisex, because I like ruffles and girly things. I'd describe our style as traditional – we're not concerned about following fashion.

We find it funny when watching those crime shows and they say, "What was he wearing when you last saw him?" We could just point to ourselves and say, "This!"

If we need a new outfit, we go to the fabric shop together and pick out something we both like. Donald is an artist – he designed the now iconic pink plastic flamingos you see in gardens – so has an excellent eye for colour and is comfortable wearing distinctive designs. Whenever I?see flamingo fabric, I buy some and make us an outfit; we now have more than 40 in their own special closet.

Whoever gets there first gets to choose what we're wearing. It's not a stampede, though; we're both amenable to the other's choice. If we're going to a party, we'll discuss what to wear like any other couple, except the difference is we want to look the same. Someone once told me that if she and her husband came down wearing the same colour top, they'd change. What a shame to be so insecure. We both have very strong identities as individuals and wearing the same clothes doesn't affect this; clothes don't make your personality. Instead, dressing the same gives me a lovely feeling of closeness to Donald. I've never not felt like doing it; we've done it for so long now that it would feel unnatural not to.

Donald used to have to travel for business and when I packed his case, I'd tell him which outfit to wear on which day, so we coordinated even though we were apart. It helped us feel connected to each other. But his boss realised Donald was much more productive if I came along, too, so I'd help out at the conventions. It was good for business, because people would seek out our stall year after year to see what we were wearing.

We don't like to be apart. Donald proposed on our first date and we've been together almost all the time since. If you want to do things by yourself, why get married? Why have separate hobbies? We never argue – Donald says he learned long ago to say, "Yes, dear", but in fact it's because we have a strong foundation. Being with him is never an effort.

As we spend all our time together, we always eat the same food, too, which is good because we have matching stains on our outfits.

If people in the street snigger or nudge each other, I don't mind. In?fact, it makes me laugh. We once saw Dr Ruth, the TV psychiatrist, in a?department store. She was making her way over to us – probably to comment on our matching coats and hats – but we eluded her. It's one thing to get negative comments from strangers but quite another to have unwanted psychological suggestions, implying dependency issues or something similar. All it is is a positive reflection of the nature of our relationship. We're a matched set.

‧ As told to Emily Cunningham

Do you have an experience to share? Email experience@guardian.co.uk

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I don't want children but worry my husband is getting broody

A 27-year-old woman enjoys her lifestyle too much to want children, but worries her husband is getting broody. Photograph: Linda Nylind for the Guardian

The dilemma I am 27 years old and have been very happily married for five years. We always talked about having a family once my husband got a permanent job (up until last year he was completing his PhD) and, although I never felt broody, I always assumed that would come as I got older. However, although I do not dislike children, I increasingly have no desire for my own. Since the arrival of my nephew two years ago, my husband has become increasingly broody. I know I?am selfish, but I enjoy my comfortable life with plenty of time and disposable income to do the things I love.

My husband is loving and supportive, and I am not afraid he would leave me, but he would be really disappointed.? I can talk to him about most things, but I don't feel I can be honest with him about this, as it feels as if I tricked him.

Do I wait and hope I get broody, be honest with my husband and face his disappointment, or have children and risk being an awful mother?

Mariella replies How much we take for granted! Reading your letter brought to mind the millions of women across the globe for whom the wherewithal to make such choices remains a distant dream. For so many of our sex having a choice about pregnancy is as alien a possibility as discovering life on Mars. It's why Melinda Gates is charging around the universe offering her wisdom, and more helpfully her money, to long-suffering sisters whose short lives are punctuated by carrying children in double figures before they finally keel over. Imagine how much less you'd be enjoying your pleasingly self-indulgent lifestyle if every time you had sex with your husband (his choice, not yours) meant producing another child. A child whose chances of surviving into adulthood were as slim as yours of surviving each new gestation.

Therefore it was with mixed feelings that I read your letter. On the one hand I'm delighted that the rights we've been fighting tooth and nail for over the past century are finally offering women alternatives. 20th-century suffragettes would have been boggle-eyed with wonder at the lives we live now, unfettered from motherhood, dependency, domesticity and drudgery. Only 100 short years ago our fates, family size and government were entirely determined by the men we married. So why is that it I'm not waving my bra around my head and chanting "Germaine, Germaine" at this latest happy news from the frontline of 21st-century feminine freedom?

Instead, I'm anxious about the absence of profundity in your decision-making. You give me no indication of the "things you love", but they appear to centre on disposable income. Deciding whether or not to have kids is, happily, your prerogative. But to treat it so lightly, to squander the extraordinary gift women alone have been given, because you're enjoying your present "lifestyle" seems a hollow victory for those aforementioned campaigners for women's dignity and rights.

Whether or not you embrace motherhood isn't at the crux of my misgivings. I'm more worried about what's driving your life choices. Enjoying yourself is very important, but if it's solely predicated on your spending power then you are sentencing yourself to a puddle-deep experience on this earth.

You're 27! I saw a magazine cover the other day picturing a baby, newly born, with the headline "only 116 years to go". On this basis you've got another 70 years of marriage ahead. Discussing and making choices about how your relationship might evolve is at the core of its survival. You say your husband won't leave you and possibly you're right, but that doesn't make it any less necessary to work towards conclusions together. With the potential of seven further decades to go, it's quite a challenge to simply spin it out "having fun".

Neither should you predicate having a family on a whimsical emotion like feeling "broody". Plenty of women don't find themselves consumed by that urgent desire until so late into their fertility that it's too late. You may conclude parenting isn't for you, but what kind of mother you'll be is a mystery only revealed when you take that miniscule bundle of life you've created into your arms. Don't undervalue the choices you now have, or take for granted the happiness you presently enjoy in your relationship. To that end, communicating your fears is every bit as vital as having fun.

f you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1

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