Online dating: do men get ignored more often than women?

'Hmm … Shall I bother replying to this guy?' Men seem to bear the brunt of the online dater's worst nightmare – 'The Silence'. Photograph: Franck Camhi/Alamy

A couple of weeks ago I went climbing with my friend Dan. I met Dan on an internet date last year; we got chatting because we both know how to keep bees. Up until that point, the youngest male beekeeper I had met was my stepdad, who is in his mid-60s. So to meet a man under 40 that shared this particular common ground was great.

Over breakfast at Trove in Levenshulme, it was evident that we weren't destined to romantically chase each other around an apiary, but we clearly got on as friends. Dan expressed an interest in learning to climb, so we've been sharing our tales of internet dating and bees at Awesome Walls in Stockport once a week ever since.

This particular week Dan had a face on him like he'd been slapped with a wet flannel. After what seemed like another promising date a few days before, he was encountering "The Silence" – that cruel tumbleweed blowing around your inbox; when a reply to your message seems to have got lost in the ether. Because no-one is rude enough to just ignore you, right? Even more so after a few messages or even a date?

A road to nowhere?

After all, you read the profile, checked the pictures, sat down and typed a brilliantly composed message. You referenced something on their profile (not just looking at the pictures), complimented something in one of their pictures (in a carefully fashioned non-pervy way), said something a little cheeky (look, I can do banter!), asked some questions (proving you are genuinely interested), spell-checked twice, checked your yours and you'res – in case the recipient comes out in hives in the face of questionable spelling and grammar. Brilliant … SEND.

The object of your desire logs on (you can see this), they read your message (you can also see this), they look at your profile (and can clearly see from your pictures that you helped build an African village on a gap year, can do dead good yoga on a beach in Goa and that you LOVE LAUGHING). How could they not reply and embark on a series of dates of going out and dancing like no-one is watching or staying in with a bottle of red and a DVD. HOW?!

But nothing, not even an acknowledgement. Just a silent rejection of your efforts.

From the comments that were left under my first article, it's evident that both men and women experience this silence, but from asking around my fellow internet daters and reading through the experiences of others, it seems to be more of a frequent issue for the lads than the lasses. I'm not sure how this translates when it comes to same-sex dating, or if the silence is as much of an issue, but in heterosexual dating, men seem to feel ignored more frequently (excluding those who just send penis shots. You deserve ignoring, you naughty buggers).

It sucks. I've been on the receiving end of it, like many other online daters. However in hindsight, replying to a few messages after being up all night at a Boomtown party in Bristol while typing with my fists and clearly way over the limit to operate a computer, it wasn't my finest messaging moment and I would have ignored me too.

But I guiltily hold my hands up to also not replying from time to time. When I first started online dating I replied to every single person. Before you know it, you are juggling a fair few conversations; some that you know full well are not going to lead to a date. On asking one person I dated how they handled this situation, he simply replied: "I just ignore them."

After experiencing being ignored a couple of times, it kind of felt that this was just the way it was done. An unwritten code of accepted rudeness that you probably wouldn't apply in other aspects of your life – unless you were a bit of a turd.

This is where Dan was at. Post-date the text messages were not being responded to. The tumbleweed was knocking around in his phone inbox, and disappointment had set in.

In a bid to cheer Dan up – and stop him expressing his cynicism via the medium of the increasingly droopy rope he was supposed to be belaying me with. I suggested we both have a change of tack and go speed dating. Then you can't be ignored – everyone is sat there in front of your face, any awkward encounters or rejections last a maximum of three minutes. It's the dating equivalent of ripping off a plaster: when it comes to the shit bits, it's over very quickly. It would be a new experience for both of us. He agreed, so it was booked. We were off to Elite Speed Dating at Manchester's Circle club.

View the original article here

Celebrities and online dating: Who does it, who wants to

Naya Rivera admits she'd be all over online dating... if she wasn't already famous.

The whole online dating scene can be difficult to navigate, but at least one celebrity wishes she could join the ranks of e-daters.

"If I wasn't famous, I'd be on OkCupid," Naya Rivera tells Complex in a new interview. "All my friends are."

Well, probably not. The Glee star is currently dating rapper Big Sean, so he probably wouldn't be cool with some online dating action.

Rivera isn't the only celebrity who has expressed a desire to find love online, though: Halle Berry, Adele and Mila Kunis have all talked publicly about online dating. The only problem? Fame makes it super tricky.

"I am never who I am. I have been to a couple of dating ones just to see what everybody is talking about. I chime in and say a little fun stuff," the newly married Berry once said.

"If I didn't do what I do, I would do Internet dating instead of going out to bars. In two seconds I would. It makes so much more sense," Kunis told Glamour in 2012.

Adele might be an engaged mom now, but even she trolled for love online.

"I signed up for eHarmony," the British singer wrote in her 2012 memoir. "I can't put a photo of myself, so I don't get any e-mails!"

That's not to say all celebrities stay away from online dating. Dancing With the Stars judge Carrie Ann Inaba admitted that she met her then-fiance on eHarmony.

"I was dating all these younger guys. I was like, 'Maybe I need to change it up a little,'" Inaba told Access Hollywood of meeting Jesse Sloan. It didn't end up working out.

Let's hope it works out a bit better for Martha Stewart. The 70-year-old arts-and-crafts mogul recently signed up for Match.com.

"I was reminded how central good relationships are to happiness and longevity. Also, I've always been a big believer that technology, if used well, can enhance one's life. So here I am, looking to enhance my dating life," Stewart wrote on her Match.com profile.

She received over 1,000 messages in the days after her profile went live in May.

"There's no question that Martha is one of the most popular members ever to join Match," Match.com CEO Sam Yagan told NBC's Today.

She eventually narrowed her list of suitors down to five.

"There are two that I could have coffee with," she revealed.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall during one of those dates!

Online daters want Jennifer Lawrence to join Match.com
Awkward dating situations: Dating a friend's ex
Heidi Klum is physically removing Seal from her life

View the original article here

Should I tell my girlfriend that I'm addicted to flirting online?

'At some point you’ll hunger for flesh and blood instead of a keyboard at your fingertips': Mariella Frostrup offers a word of warning. Photograph: Alamy

The dilemma I am a 48-year-old man and have been with my partner for 28 years. We have a good and loving relationship and few worries.?Recently, however, I have started to use a chat room where I enjoy chatting and flirting with other women.?I have never done this in real life and have never felt the need to.?I am not sure this is really correct behaviour but am having great trouble stopping – not using the computer seems the only way. I have hinted at this to my partner, but have not told her everything as I am both a?bit ashamed and do not want to hurt her unnecessarily. Please can you offer any advice on how I can kick this habit.

Mariella replies Let's work out if you need to first. Flirting in cyberspace shouldn't necessarily sound the death knell for your relationship. You're only keeping up with the Jones's, as the saying goes.

From Facebook to Twitter, social media increasingly requires you to hone your skills at global seduction, inducing strangers and acquaintances to "friend" you for the world to admire. It turns out your real-world social life doesn't count for a?penny against the more measurable numbers attached to your online relationships. What harm can a bit of online chitchat do when the whole world is out there desperately trying to make connections? I know grown adults who squander hours honing pithy 140-character bon mots in the hope of going viral. If that isn't a form of foreplay, disguised as word play, I don't know what is. You're simply throwing your lot in with the great mass of humanity choosing to lead their lives virtually while around them their nearest and dearest atrophy… or do likewise.

As with everything else on the internet, chat rooms are child's play to access making it seem positively unfriendly not to pop in and say hello. I'll dodge pornography, on which I have lingered of late. But your reluctance to return to an activity you're ashamed of echoes the feelings of many who behave online in ways they would never entertain in their day-to-day lives.

I'd have to be a right old prude to frown on such innocent amusement. What you're up to would seem pretty harmless, enjoying no-strings sexual dialogue that adds some spice to your settled life. Plenty of men in relationships are out there doing it in real time and in real places, so many would argue that yours is a preferable option. But what does worry me is how your on-line activities are making you feel.

Some behaviour only becomes tangible when it's dragged from the shadows and exposed in daylight. You start by saying you enjoy your online activities. If this is your main response then you could invite your partner to join in. Perhaps a joint foray into fantasyland might introduce a revitalizing frisson to your relationship? On the other hand we all know about the perils of Pandora's box and opening doors you can't shut.

And you do also mention feeling shame and compulsion, which makes me wonder about the status of this new form of interaction. Is it replacing something you have lost or something you are missing? Either way you're unlikely to find satisfaction in cyberspace. At some point you'll hunger for flesh and blood instead of a keyboard at your fingertips. Total strangers whose personality is as much of a mystery as their sexuality are as ephemeral as ghosts. If your union is lacking spice, online chat won't provide anything more than a stop-gap before you go hunting the real thing. I've yet to encounter someone who remains content with fantasy flirtations forever. And, as we both know, this will eventually imperil your relationship.

What a pleasure to read about a union of 28 years' duration being good and loving – that's an achievement to be immensely proud of. Forget reaching 100, these days there should be telegrams from the Queen for every decade your partnership lasts. Such rock-solid foundations may offer room for experimentation, but few relationships can withstand the sort of solo voyaging you're currently embarked on. Do you want to throw away what you've built?

As an ex-smoker, every time I go into the newsagent I'm tempted to pick up a packet and if I could enjoy them online it would be an even harder vice to ignore as temptation would be almost constantly present. Just because something is available doesn't mean it shouldn't be declined. The way to kick any habit? Just say no.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. To have your say on this week's column, go to guardian.co.uk/dearmariella. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1

View the original article here