When should you friend your date on Facebook?

When's the right time to friend your dates on Facebook? You might be surprised by the results of a new dating survey.

So, you're about to go out on a date with a new guy, and you're dying to get the details on him. You've checked his Twitter account, Googled him and even given his LinkedIn profile a once-over.

Now, the big question: Do you friend him on Facebook?

A new survey by Mashable and Survata put that question to 3,000 daters, and?— not surprisingly — most (26.9 percent) think it's better to wait until you've gone on more than a few dates.

What is surprising? Another 26.6 percent think it's OK to add the other person before a first date.

Before the first date — 26.6 percentAfter the first date — 21 percentAfter multiple dates — 26.9 percentNot until he or she friends you — 13 percentWhen you decide to be mutually exclusive — 12.5 percent

It seems a little strange to friend someone before you've even really "met" him, but it might be a wise choice since you can cancel the date — and save an excruciating couple of hours — if it turns out he's a hard-drinking slob who lives in his mom's basement.

Just a thought.

Apparently, sexting isn't as popular as Anthony Weiner makes it out to be. According to the survey, 61.5 percent of men and 70.5 percent of women claim they've never sexted.

Call us cynical, but that's a little hard to believe.

In an interesting aside, sexting is most common among unmarried people in committed relationships, 25.6 percent of whom report that they've done it. On the other hand, only 17.5 percent of singles say they have sent and received sexts, while sexting among married people drops to 9.2 percent.

Come on, married couples! It's time to bring back romance in marriage.

When do you friend your dates on Facebook? Sound off below!

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How do I let my obese friend know that I don't fancy him?

'If we were sexually attracted to every nice person we met, there wouldn’t be time for all the sex': Mariella Frostrup. Above: a silhouette from the 1830s. Photograph: EPA

The dilemma I've been getting close to a lovely man. We've been spending time together and really enjoy each other's company. He is an incredibly loyal, gentle and loving person. We are on the same wavelength on many subjects and talk together for hours. I could almost say he is my perfect man – if not for one thing. He is very overweight, in fact obese. I am slender, and have never been with anyone who was overweight or found them attractive. I had vaguely thought that this would cease to be an issue if I had strong feelings for him. However, things are coming to a head now and I find I still don't want to be physical with him. I feel bad about this. How on earth can I let him down gently, given that he is one of the best people I've ever met?

Mariella replies First things first: you've no reason to feel guilty. If we were physically attracted to every nice person we met, there just wouldn't be enough time for all the sex. Indeed if "nice" were a qualification for a romance, potential partners would be far more prevalent altogether. Unfortunately, such is the pernicious nature of the human psyche that for many of us, qualities such as "loyal, gentle and loving" are more appealing in a dog than a human.

Positive qualities like the ones you outline fail to endorse our insecurity and self-loathing, and so we often stare right through the people who display kindness, looking for someone who has a keen eye, not for who we are but for what we lack.

The love interest who recognises our shortcomings by ignoring our charms, breaking promises or treating us unkindly is all too often the one we set our hearts on. In love we make excuses for unacceptable behaviour. I've had letters from people whose lovers are only steps away from criminality in terms of abusive behaviour and yet the advice their victims tend to seek is how to cling on to or change these beasts of both sexes, rather than escape them.

Our most common behavioural pattern appears to be that if you treat us well, we'll be off in a far more dysfunctional direction as fast as our disappointingly short, broad, scrawny (delete as appropriate) legs can carry us. You have done well by embracing this man's positive virtues so far, but now instead of taking pride in a?friendship you are beating yourself up about not finding him attractive.

I appreciate that this is partly down to your desire not to unnecessarily hurt this man, but you are adding psychological complications to what is essentially a simple biological matter. You don't fancy him. It's far more acceptable to say you won't get involved with someone because they smoke, take drugs, drink excessively, are a depressive, a cat lover or even a?Mormon than because they're fat. Obesity is the condition that dare not speak its name, and even writing the word "fat" makes me uncomfortable. Obviously that's not the term you'd use, or the reason you'd give for not wanting to take things further on the physical front.

It's important to recognise that your heightened sensitivities are making you dwell on this far more than you would if this was just some averagely proportioned bloke you didn't find sexually alluring. Whatever your reasons, you don't want to have sex, and that is your prerogative. Forcing a platonic relationship to become physical is rarely successful. If you like this guy enough to maintain the friendship, then your companionship may yet help to improve his sense of worth and that in turn could inspire him to tackle his weight issues. You certainly can't do it for him.

It's not unusual for a potential mate to lose lustre closer up and reveal copious or insurmountable emotional baggage. Whether it's a secret wife or an eating disorder, mental health issues, a mountain of debt or an addiction, other people's issues can make them unsuitable partners. Lionel Shriver's recently published Big Brother, a compelling fictionalised account of her battle to "cure" her now deceased brother's obesity, is worth a glance. The novel offers a salutary lesson in why you have every reason to fear moving forward, and not just on a sexual level. Obesity is an outward symptom of an even bigger internal struggle, and it's volatile, emotional terrain to go wandering into unwittingly.

I'd gently make clear to your companion that your intentions toward him are friendly rather than romantic, a choice you have no need to explain. Make sure he appreciates how much you treasure his company, and who knows, your proximity and friendship might eventually give him the strength to face his demons. Attempting to address his obesity is this "lovely" man's challenge, and it's your support, rather than your guilt, that will help him on his way.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. To have your say on this week's column, go to guardian.co.uk/dearmariella. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1

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Should I break up with my long-term friend?

Is it a good idea to sever ties with an old friend, or are friendships too precious to throw away? Photograph: David J. Green/Alamy

The Dilemma I don't know whether or not to "break up" with a?long-term friend. We've been friends since university and are now both in our 30s.? The friendship has had its ups and downs. In the past couple of years I have been let down, made to feel inferior, left out of social events and received fairly acidic comments. I've always shrugged these off and my friend continues to stay in touch through email.? Part of me wants to see the good in her and keep the friendship alive, but I'm also angry at being treated like a doormat. So, do I?sit down with her, tell her how I feel and find a way forward or, alternatively, do I somehow break up with her, ditch the nostalgia and stop being misty-eyed for the friendship we had in our 20s? If the latter, how does one do that without hurting someone's feelings? We live in different cities, but social media seems to magnify everyone's lives these days.

Mariella replies Break up? Isn't that a little extreme? It sounds more like a cry for attention than a reasoned response to your pal's perceived misdemeanours. True friends are as rare as honest politicians, so I'd argue that social slights and rocky patches need to be carefully weighed against the benefits, even if it is "misty-eyed" nostalgia in places.

For many, long-term friendships, rather than family ties, are the foundations for sustainable lives. Few of us haven't experienced the gravitational pull of our pals in times of trouble and been kept in orbit by their wisdom and kindness. Husbands, wives and lovers come and go, children leave home and pets die. Best friends, on the other hand, tend to display qualities bordering on the masochistic; they endure long periods of abandonment but are right by your side when trouble comes calling.

We invest less in our friendships and expect more of friends than any other relationship. We spend days working out where to book for a romantic dinner, weeks wondering how to celebrate a partner or parent's birthday and seconds forgetting a?friend's important anniversary.

Nowadays friends are seldom next door and new technology is as much of a help as a hindrance, giving us all the illusion we are communicating when all we're doing is keeping the lines open. Regular exchanges are invaluable, but certainly not the glue that binds us together. We can reach out across cities and oceans, see the faces of friends and loved ones close up courtesy of Skype, but with such convenience comes a more casual approach that's wide open to misunderstanding. Who knows what your friend is reading between your lines and vice versa?

Like cars, every relationship requires a bit of an occasional service, and fine-tuning should be compulsory. Unlike our other relationships they're based entirely on personal choice and come without expectation or rules. We do well to feed them with what they need to flourish, rather than leave them to wither while our gaze is elsewhere. Every friendship goes through ups and downs. Dysfunctional patterns set in, external situations cause internal friction, you grow apart and then bounce back together. In traumatic moments friends can get the blame when partners are at fault, in divorces and separations they negotiate minefields and when we're feeling insecure they're judged to be lacking.

Familiarity in friendship definitely breeds contempt. Women are more likely to find fault with each other – indeed could be accused of being devoted to doing so – but conversely rely on each other for support far more than the male of the species. Just watching my daughter's gang of nine-year-old school pals in action is a consummate lesson in emotional intensity, unnecessary friction and deep dependence – incompatible elements that remain present as our friendships mature.

In your situation I'd quit the emails and have a physical reunion. Try to rekindle some old fire by doing something fun together and if you're still feeling frustrated choose a timely moment to talk it out. Too often it's our own foibles that sow the seeds of frustration in others and you need to carefully consider what's making you so vulnerable before you point the finger of blame. Bear in mind that a dishonest friendship isn't worthy of further investment while an honest one offers a refuge for life, so in this instance you've got more to gain and nothing to lose by expressing your misgivings.

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