'He experiences post-coital tristesse after any intimate touching.' Photograph: Fuse/Getty Images/FuseI thought our sex life was great but my boyfriend lives with anxiety and depression that he refuses to see a doctor about. We're both 19 and this is our first sexual relationship. He experiences post-coital tristesse, not just after climax, but any intimate touching. It's damaging our relationship. He now says he only wants to kiss and cuddle. I'm not sure what to do. I love him but he doesn't seem to appreciate how it's affecting me.
It doesn't sound as though your sex life is "great", and I am wondering why you're continuing to bother with someone who's frustrating you to this extent? You obviously enjoy sex and consider intimacy an important part of a relationship, but your boyfriend is failing to take the hint.
Perhaps he's so depressed that he can't summon the energy to seek help, in which case you could make an appointment for him and take him to it. If he's simply afraid to address his mood and sexual problems, try to soothe him, but be firm about how this is affecting you and explain it's not an option to leave things the way they are.
Speak to him in a supportive way, saying something like, "You deserve to feel better, and I need that too" and, "I care about you, but it's hard to be with you while you're needlessly suffering." Give him one last chance then, if he refuses to be smart about this, move on; martyrdom is highly overrated.
‧ Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
‧ If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to
private.lives@guardian.co.uk (please don't send attachments).
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