What is marital depression and how to avoid it

Marital depression is more common than you think, and it can destroy your marriage if you're not careful. An expert sheds some light on this rarely discussed issue and provides tips for avoiding falling victim to this rising phenomenon.

Depression?— in all shapes and forms — affects millions and millions of people each year. Whether you have a family history of it or find yourself in hard-to-handle situations, depression is not something to be overlooked.

Marital depression strikes when one person feels unusually lonely in spite of being in a relationship, which leads to depression. We asked nationally recognized marriage expert Dr. Scott Haltzman to share all about marital depression and provide tips on preventing it within your marriage.

"When couples get stuck in routines, it tends to make the marriage predictable, which is calming, but boring. And boring can be the death of marital happiness."

Dr. Scott Haltzman: Research tells us that married people, on average, are happier than unmarried people, and that being married actually reduces the risk of developing major mental illness. However, sometimes the stress of marriage can contribute to feelings of depression. Marital depression generally relates to feeling a sense of sadness, low mood and lack of energy associated with the marriage.

One woman I treated for depression had dealt with low mood and feeling a sense of control and oppression by her husband. When she got a divorce, many of her depressive symptoms of 15 years had resolved.

That being said, there are many people who suffer from depression that blame their partners, but when you look at studies of people who choose to divorce, what you find is that their depressions, on average, do not get better and they do not become happier, unless they were the victims of domestic violence or they remarried in a 5-year period during which the study took place!

SH: When couples get stuck in routines, it tends to make the marriage predictable, which is calming, but boring. And boring can be the death of marital happiness. Staying energized by marriage requires injection of novel events or activities consistently. That can range from dressing up before a date, switching identities and picking each other up at a bar, learning a new dance together or going camping together.

SH: People expect marriage to be like the Fourth of July every day. Most days it's like the fifth of July, like any other day with a fair amount of picking up to do from the day before! One of the biggest myths is that you have to be "in love" all the time, or else the marriage is DOA. In reality, many marriages have down times, and that's normal. The difference between the marriages that thrive and those that perish isn't that great — often the ones who thrive are the ones that toughed out the rough times, and now they look back and can hardly remember that they had such a difficult time.

SH: Don't try to diagnose yourself. Seek out the help of a mental health expert that can help you sort through whether this is marital depression or a different medical problem.

“Accept ownership for your own happiness. We often look to others or outside events to make us happy. Happiness truly is an inside job.”?— Dr. Ingeborg Hrabowy, clinical psychologist

“There are two components to keeping the spark alive: Avoid judgmental criticism and work to enjoy at least some of your time together. It is extremely important to curb your desire to communicate criticism to your partner. Make sure to deliver two or three positive comments to your partner each day. When you do have a criticism, deliver it with a statement that reminds your partner that you still value him. Secondly, schedule activities that you both enjoy participating in together. Let go of upset and areas of conflict during this time and focus on delighting in the activity and your partner.”?— Dr. Jill Weber, clinical psychologist

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Don't Drive Him Away - Avoid These Mistakes

Everything worth having is worth fighting for. That is especially true in the dating game. So why do women continuously think that the best man will amazingly come, and love will suddenly take place? A woman needs to understand some important facts before she decides to date a guy. One incorrect action and she could possibly send him packing. I've listed the 3 most commons mis-steps that women make that you want to be sure to avoid if you want a lasting relationship with your fellow.

Error 1-- When you are not being your very own self

Never ever fail to remember where you stand in the relationship. You are number 1. Placing yourself second in the relationship is a mistake. Never ever sacrifice what you are, never give up the command you have. If this relationship merits working on, you want your significance, your gifts and your value acknowledged.

Mistake 2-- No matter how much you want to take care of him, he needs a girlfriend, not a mother

What's up with women, feeling like the best way to love their man is to take care of him? It's in our genetic makeup to be nurturing, we can't help it. But you'll only end up making your guy feel like a baby if you try to do too much for him. And in the end, he'll only resent you for your efforts. So let him take command. Let him drive, let him pick the restaurant, let him plan the date. No matter if you are a much better driver. Acknowledge that he'll get you to your destination. Never suggest his food for them when you eat out. He's a big boy and can order for himself. Don't worry if he doesn't make the healthiest choices. Don't ask your man if he should get a coat. He can make that decision on his own.

Get the picture? Love him like a lover, not a mother!

Mistake 3-- If you wish it, go for it

You can wait until the cows come home if you think the man of your dreams is going to suddenly show up at your door. Who has that kind of time to wait? In this world, if you want something you have to go after it. Even if the thought of it fills you with fear. However keep that to yourself. Nobody has to know that you are teeming with self- doubt. Mr. Wonderful is out there somewhere, all you have to do is get out there and find him. So go out and find him, and have a blast while you're looking. You've got to grab life by the horns, as they say. So go on and do it.

Attraction and relationships are complex human connections. Unfortunately, we get most of our training from movies, TV and magazines. Then we become disappointed when things do not end up as expected. Life is genuine. Just keep these guidelines in mind and you'll lessen the chances of missing the one guy worth finding.

Check out this article: How to Attract a Guy Here's another article you'll like: How to Work a Long Distance Relationsip

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Avoid These First Date Blunders

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"Your date doesn’t want to hear about which Lannister you hate the most." 

You’ve got everything planned out: what to wear, dinner reservations, suggestions for where to go for a drink afterward, a few witty anecdotes -- this is going to be the best first date in the history of first dates. But then, as you’re waiting for dessert, you go on a 15-minute rant about your ex. Crash and burn.

Sometimes we spend so much time thinking about what to get right on a first date, we forget to plan for what could go wrong. And what could go wrong is you.

If you want to impress on the first date, make sure you’re prepared. Give yourself ample time to finish work, do errands and get ready for your night out. You don’t want to be that person who has to send “just one last email for work,” or show up with your gym bag. If you’re running late, chances are you won’t be looking your best either and you definitely want to be dressed your best. When people are late, they tend to get flustered, and the reality is that your date is going to be judging and evaluating every little thing -- so you don’t want to do something out of character.

#WhatNotToDoOnAFirstDate ask what she wants to do for the date.

— Greek Gent (@GreekGent) April 25, 2013

Everything in moderation, right? You might be hungry, but it isn't the best idea to try and get to the bottom of an Olive Garden’s bottomless bowl of pasta (bonus tip: don’t go to the Olive Garden on a first date). You also don’t want to overdo the booze. A drink or two to calm the nerves can often help the night go smoother, but once you’ve polished off your sixth vodka soda, chances are things are going to get sloppy (and not in a good way).

#WhatNotToDoOnAFirstDate - Don't get loaded, it's not a bachelor party. trib.al/Pkt0hSn

— AskMen (@AskMen) April 25, 2013

And while you want the conversation to progress naturally, also make sure not to dwell on any topics for too long. Sure, you may the biggest Game of Thrones fan, but maybe your date is just being polite and doesn’t really want to hear about which Lannister you hate the most. Next Page >>

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