Low sex drive means I can go months without sex

Low sex drive can be caused by stress, hormonal imbalances or lack of exercise, or by more insidious problems such as depression. Photograph: RubberBall/Alamy

My husband and I (both 27) love each other very much and after five years are still best friends. My sex drive used to be higher, but now I can go months without, while he wants it nearly every day. He's very generous and has compromised a lot, but I worry that I'm almost asexual. I occasionally get aroused or have sexual dreams, but only when we haven't been together in a while. Sometimes it's a different man in my dreams, which confuses me, because I've never met anyone I'm attracted to more than my husband.

There are many possible contributors to a person's low desire, so do some detective work. Stress, fatigue, hormonal imbalances or lack of exercise can be the culprits, but there are more insidious reasons such as depression, poor body image, or having deep, unexpressed resentment towards a partner. Caring for young children can cause it. Many prescription and over-the-counter medications can reduce desire.

Negative sexual views, fears of procreation, or more profound psychological issues can be at the core – sex therapy can help. Your words "best friends" raise a red flag, because some couples are too "enmeshed" for eroticism, which requires a little distance. Spending time engaged in separate personal interests will often kickstart renewed sexual interest – as?you've already discovered. And it's perfectly OK to have sexual dreams about other men!

‧ Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders

‧ If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@guardian.co.uk (please do not send attachments)

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Don't Drive Him Away - Avoid These Mistakes

Everything worth having is worth fighting for. That is especially true in the dating game. So why do women continuously think that the best man will amazingly come, and love will suddenly take place? A woman needs to understand some important facts before she decides to date a guy. One incorrect action and she could possibly send him packing. I've listed the 3 most commons mis-steps that women make that you want to be sure to avoid if you want a lasting relationship with your fellow.

Error 1-- When you are not being your very own self

Never ever fail to remember where you stand in the relationship. You are number 1. Placing yourself second in the relationship is a mistake. Never ever sacrifice what you are, never give up the command you have. If this relationship merits working on, you want your significance, your gifts and your value acknowledged.

Mistake 2-- No matter how much you want to take care of him, he needs a girlfriend, not a mother

What's up with women, feeling like the best way to love their man is to take care of him? It's in our genetic makeup to be nurturing, we can't help it. But you'll only end up making your guy feel like a baby if you try to do too much for him. And in the end, he'll only resent you for your efforts. So let him take command. Let him drive, let him pick the restaurant, let him plan the date. No matter if you are a much better driver. Acknowledge that he'll get you to your destination. Never suggest his food for them when you eat out. He's a big boy and can order for himself. Don't worry if he doesn't make the healthiest choices. Don't ask your man if he should get a coat. He can make that decision on his own.

Get the picture? Love him like a lover, not a mother!

Mistake 3-- If you wish it, go for it

You can wait until the cows come home if you think the man of your dreams is going to suddenly show up at your door. Who has that kind of time to wait? In this world, if you want something you have to go after it. Even if the thought of it fills you with fear. However keep that to yourself. Nobody has to know that you are teeming with self- doubt. Mr. Wonderful is out there somewhere, all you have to do is get out there and find him. So go out and find him, and have a blast while you're looking. You've got to grab life by the horns, as they say. So go on and do it.

Attraction and relationships are complex human connections. Unfortunately, we get most of our training from movies, TV and magazines. Then we become disappointed when things do not end up as expected. Life is genuine. Just keep these guidelines in mind and you'll lessen the chances of missing the one guy worth finding.

Check out this article: How to Attract a Guy Here's another article you'll like: How to Work a Long Distance Relationsip

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