Asperger's, agoraphobia and depression are destroying my life and my marriage

'I have tried antidepressants, -psychotherapy and psychiatric hospital admission to no avail.' Photograph: Aldo Murillo/Getty Images

I have Asperger's syndrome and have suffered from agoraphobia and depression for a decade. My family and friends slowly disappeared from the scene nine years ago. I have tried antidepressants, psychotherapy and psychiatric hospital admission to no avail. My partner's life has been blighted by this. He comes home from work to Groundhog Day – dishes unwashed, laundry undone, and me unbathed, unmoved, unbearable. I cannot bear what this is doing to him; he says he cannot bear what it is doing to me. Agoraphobia traps me indoors and precludes the use of public transport, shopping or being in crowds. Depression destroys my ability to use the phone, to talk to or be among others. I am childless and in my 30s. What do I do?

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My boyfriend's depression and anxiety is destroying our sex life

'He experiences post-coital tristesse after any intimate touching.' Photograph: Fuse/Getty Images/Fuse

I thought our sex life was great but my boyfriend lives with anxiety and depression that he refuses to see a doctor about. We're both 19 and this is our first sexual relationship. He experiences post-coital tristesse, not just after climax, but any intimate touching. It's damaging our relationship. He now says he only wants to kiss and cuddle. I'm not sure what to do. I love him but he doesn't seem to appreciate how it's affecting me.

It doesn't sound as though your sex life is "great", and I am wondering why you're continuing to bother with someone who's frustrating you to this extent? You obviously enjoy sex and consider intimacy an important part of a relationship, but your boyfriend is failing to take the hint.

Perhaps he's so depressed that he can't summon the energy to seek help, in which case you could make an appointment for him and take him to it. If he's simply afraid to address his mood and sexual problems, try to soothe him, but be firm about how this is affecting you and explain it's not an option to leave things the way they are.

Speak to him in a supportive way, saying something like, "You deserve to feel better, and I need that too" and, "I care about you, but it's hard to be with you while you're needlessly suffering." Give him one last chance then, if he refuses to be smart about this, move on; martyrdom is highly overrated.

‧ Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders

‧ If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to

private.lives@guardian.co.uk (please don't send attachments).

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