How your relationship can boost your brainpower

Turns out, being in a happy, healthy relationship doesn't just make you feel good, it can actually make you smarter too! Read on to find out the science behind it.

According to psychologist and author Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D., FICPP, touching, hugging, physical intimacy and sex all cause our brains to release a series of “feel good” chemicals known as neurotransmitters. Among these chemicals are vasopressin, oxytocin and serotonin, he says.

“Oxytocin, in particular, is known as the cuddle chemical, because once it's released, it causes a person to want to stay in close contact both physically and emotionally,” Salamon says. Most significantly, however,?as he points out, when these neurotransmitters are circulating in our brains, the chemicals that make us feel down and distracted are less likely to be found: "This improves our focus, attentiveness and sensitivity, which are all keys to being intellectually and cognitively sharper and more aware.”

Scientific or not, there's no denying the fact that having a loving, supporting partner can help stimulate your own intellectual growth. Certified life coach and sex and relationships expert Natalie Vartanian, CPCC, ACC, can certainly speak to this.

“Something I have experienced in my own relationship is the focus, motivation and passion that shows up in my career because I have this amazing connection with someone who loves, trusts and supports me completely. From my partner's perspective, he states it as a feeling of being guided in a way, knowing I am in his life. Physically, I may be feeling stressed out, overwhelmed, frazzled, unable to make sense of things because of the million things to do or achieve in my life, yet a cuddle session with my partner literally grounds me. My energy calms down, the fog in my brain dissipates and I can actually think clearer.”

Sex is not only about connecting?— it's a great way to relieve stress and give your brain a big boost, notes author and sugar baby dating coach Taylor Jones. “Each sweaty bout of sex will release a growth factor in your brain, which helps to grow new cells and dendrites, as well as endorphins, which work to reduce pain, improve cognitive functioning and get rid of stress. Sex also increases serotonin, fostering creativity and logical thinking, and increases your levels of oxytocin, which enhances your creativity and ability to come up with more novel solutions for a problem.” As you can see, the positive benefits of pure, fun sex are staggering!

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Musician Nitin Sawhney and producer David McEwan on their special relationship

'In music the people you surround yourself by become like family - I think of David as a brother': Nitin Sawhney with David McEwan. Photograph: Philip Griffin

I was working at MTV and writing music for adverts when I met Nitin in 1998. We were introduced by his manager because Nitin needed his new Mac set up – this was back in the day when no one really knew how to set up a?computer. I went round to his place in Tooting and did the job. I started pointing out little things that he could reconfigure in his studio – which was chaotic, to say the least – to make it easier for him to work in, and he asked me to help him out. He was just about to start work on Beyond Skin.

When Nitin and I are in work mode, we're very much working. Then we clock out and we start joking again – the friendship and working relationship never spill over into one another. He's intense and very driven, so it took me a few years to really get to know him. I feel lucky to be working with Nitin – we've had an amazing journey. He's put me in situations I?never dreamed would be possible: mixing for the London Symphony Orchestra, big high-pressure projects. He puts a?lot of trust in me in live gigs and in the studio – it's up to me to make his performance sound right for the audience, which is not a job I take lightly. Nitin's trust and belief in me have helped my career, and the loyalty goes both ways.

We fell out once a few years ago – we'd spent way too much time together. We had a blow-up at the airport and I?went back to Australia [where he grew up] for a while, but we made up quite quickly. We're both opinionated, and if I think something is shit, I'll say. We're kindred spirits like that.

Our friendship is based on music, but I can talk to Nitin about other things, too. We're quite blokey, though, so it's not like you'd ever catch us crying on each other's shoulders.

I was sharing a flat with people in London and had a room at the top of the stairs which was basically a stereo system, keyboard and new computer – the good old days! David came and reconfigured my whole set-up. He seemed like a?sharp, intelligent guy. He was meticulous and a perfectionist – which appealed to me as I am, too. Our working together felt like a natural connection straightaway; we bounced off each other. It's so important that David works with me – he's been my front-of-house engineer for a long time and in the studio he's just as essential. Recently, we recorded straight to vinyl, and I?knew he was someone I could trust with that process.

He's very funny. We've spent so much time on the road as a band and he keeps the whole tour bus entertained with his impersonations and characters – he has fantastic comedic timing. It's very rare in life: someone who is brilliant, really knows what they're doing and is also a lovely guy.

David and I are both alpha males and clear on what we think works. It's the longest creative relationship I've ever had. We've worked on incredible projects together: Cirque du Soleil, the Proms, Electric Proms, the Sydney Opera House. He's a sounding board; he'll tell me the honest truth.

We hang out socially with his wife, but dinner in each other's homes is something we're still working towards, although I'm not a great cook, so I don't know that he will necessarily want to come to mine. In music, the people you surround yourself by become like family. We look after each other – and I think of David as a brother.

Nitin Sawhney's album OneZero, a retrospective of his career, is out now on deluxe vinyl box set, CD and download on Metropolis Recordings

If you'd like to appear in this column, email meandyou@observer.co.uk

‧ This article was amended on 18 July 2013. The original photo caption failed to credit the photographer, Philip Griffin. This has been corrected.

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How a lack of sleep can hurt your relationship

Can skipping on eight hours of sleep ruin your love life? A new study says it can.

We already know that a lack of sleep can mess with our health — and waistline — but can it ruin our love life, too? Yep. A new study conducted by researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, found that even one bad night's sleep can damage a relationship.

For the study, researchers asked 78 couples to track their activities for two weeks. Each day, the couple made notes about sleep quality and the fights they had with their partners.

Even one partner's bad night's sleep spelled trouble for the relationship. The reason? Tired couples were less likely to show empathy to their partners, were more selfish and had less desire to work out problems.

Basically, their lack of sleep sapped away all of their willingness to work together as a couple. Keep it up long enough, and bye-bye goes the relationship.

No one wants that, so we asked JJ Virgin, nutritionist and author of The Virgin Diet, to give us a few lifestyle tips to help us get a better night's sleep and save our love lives.

"Turn off electronics about an hour before bed. Prepare for sleep: Take a hot bath with a relaxing novel. Try melatonin or other sleep aids if you need them. Trust me, it's worth the effort, whatever it takes," Virgin told SheKnows.

Diet and exercise also play a part in getting a good night's sleep.

"Make every meal a combo of lean, clean protein, leafy and cruciferous veggies, healthy fats and slow-release, high-fiber carbs," Virgin added. "Keep exercise to morning hours — too late in the day and it can keep cortisol levels cranked up, impeding [falling asleep]. And monitor your caffeine. If a morning cup of coffee keeps you revved up throughout the day, you could have a slow metabolism?— so switch to green tea."

So, this is all it takes to stay happy and healthy? Sign us up —?and something tells us a good night's sleep can amp up our sex lives, too.

Do you fight more with your S.O. when you're tired?

Sound off below!

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What makes a relationship strong?

We all know spending time together and communicating make a relationship strong, but what else? Let's see what it takes to really develop a stable relationship.

Why is it that some couples seem more "connected" than others? Are they just a better match? Chances are, they're not. They just work harder at maintaining their relationship and know what it takes to keep it thriving. Here, we'll share fresh and interesting ideas on what it takes to make a relationship strong and solid — something we all crave and desire.

This seems obvious — and if you're not yet married or are without kids — it probably comes pretty naturally. Unfortunately, once you settle down and start adding more responsibilities to your lives, romance tends to get left behind. It starts requiring effort on both your parts to keep it thriving. Carolyn, a work-from-home mom with two babies and a toddler, offers some fun and useful advice:

Buy a 365-day sex position book — and use it!Schedule a lunch date at home, and use it for a “sexortunity”Enact a “no television” rule after a certain timeLook cute and come home in a good mood — these little things can make all the difference!Other ways to make yourself a priority include:?Going to the gym regularly, going out with the girls or, if you're really brave, going on a trip by yourself.

It's easy to get caught up in the relationship and forget about your own wants and needs. The healthiest relationships are the ones where each person still makes themselves a priority. Everyone needs alone time, right? Sometimes just what the doctor orders is a night in, curled up with a bowl of ice cream and a movie — all by yourself.

This takes years and years to master. As humans, we don't naturally give love if we're not receiving it. This is why couples get stuck in ruts and slowly begin to grow distant from one another. Instead of waiting on your partner to show you love, show them love first. Again, it's not easy — especially if you're feeling animosity or anger towards that person — but do it anyways. Easy ways to give love include:

Greeting them with a kiss and a smile when they walk through the doorThanking them for something small they may have done (even something as small as they picked up their socks off the floor)Asking them if there's anything you can do to help themBeing friendly and positive toward themGiving them a long hug, just becauseLeaving a love note with a Starbucks gift card in their car

By doing little things like these regularly, you'll start to notice a change in your partner, too. They will have a better attitude toward you, go out of their way to help you and start making you more of a priority. It's a win-win situation for you both — but someone needs to be the one to start.

Do you consider yourself to be in a strong relationship? If so, how do you do it? Share in the comments below!

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How To Turn A Fling Into A Relationship

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"Today, courting, dating and waiting for that first kiss are pretty much an old-school joke." 

In my mind, every relationship pretty much starts off as a fling. We live in a world now where courtship, as they once called it, kind of doesn’t really exist. We meet people through friends or at bars or shows, and we drunkenly hook up. If the sex is decent and that person doesn’t totally repulse us when the sun rises and we sober up, we might think about giving them a text again some day. This is one version of the way we shack up.

The other involves the internet. Forget about the mundane regularity of dating sites (meeting someone online is no longer just reserved for so-called pathetic nerds and widows, but for all of us), social media and online profiles allow us to completely scope out, stalk and judge potential suitors from the comfort of our smartphones.

We can communicate in the online world for months without ever meeting IRL -- that’s web talk for “In Real Life” -- and get to know that person through our carefully calculated online personalities and Facebook profiles. So, when we eventually do meet up IRL, we feel as though we know one another and intimacy occurs quickly.

Today, courting, dating and waiting for that first kiss are pretty much an old-school joke. We have careers to focus on, friends to hang out with and our own satisfaction comes first. Flings just work in our fast-paced world.

But what happens when your hookup partner starts to seem like an attractive option for a real relationship? How do you venture into that new territory? How do you turn a fling into the real thing?

Let’s assume that you and your fling have been hooking up for a seemingly significant amount of time. This is why you’re interested in taking it to the next level. Before vocalizing any interest in turning your casual hookups into a full-blown relationship, I suggest perception. Look at the nature of your current situation.?

Do you only text one another for late-night sex? Do you hook up when you are sober or just drunk? Do you have sleepovers, or do you leave after the sex is over? Have you ever shared a meal, hung out and actually had a decent conversation??

Who does the initiating of your meet-ups? Is it generally even? Do you know one another’s friends? Is your sexual relationship a secret or is it known by your friendship circles? Do you feel respected by him/her on a human level? Could you imagine being friends with this person??

From my experience (and, trust me, I have a lot of experience) the most loving, lasting and healthy relationships are the ones where you feel as though you are dating your best friend -- someone you trust indefinitely and can grow with. Next Page >>

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