Is it a good idea to sever ties with an old friend, or are friendships too precious to throw away? Photograph: David J. Green/Alamy
The Dilemma I don't know whether or not to "break up" with a?long-term friend. We've been friends since university and are now both in our 30s.? The friendship has had its ups and downs. In the past couple of years I have been let down, made to feel inferior, left out of social events and received fairly acidic comments. I've always shrugged these off and my friend continues to stay in touch through email.? Part of me wants to see the good in her and keep the friendship alive, but I'm also angry at being treated like a doormat. So, do I?sit down with her, tell her how I feel and find a way forward or, alternatively, do I somehow break up with her, ditch the nostalgia and stop being misty-eyed for the friendship we had in our 20s? If the latter, how does one do that without hurting someone's feelings? We live in different cities, but social media seems to magnify everyone's lives these days.
Mariella replies Break up? Isn't that a little extreme? It sounds more like a cry for attention than a reasoned response to your pal's perceived misdemeanours. True friends are as rare as honest politicians, so I'd argue that social slights and rocky patches need to be carefully weighed against the benefits, even if it is "misty-eyed" nostalgia in places.
For many, long-term friendships, rather than family ties, are the foundations for sustainable lives. Few of us haven't experienced the gravitational pull of our pals in times of trouble and been kept in orbit by their wisdom and kindness. Husbands, wives and lovers come and go, children leave home and pets die. Best friends, on the other hand, tend to display qualities bordering on the masochistic; they endure long periods of abandonment but are right by your side when trouble comes calling.
We invest less in our friendships and expect more of friends than any other relationship. We spend days working out where to book for a romantic dinner, weeks wondering how to celebrate a partner or parent's birthday and seconds forgetting a?friend's important anniversary.
Nowadays friends are seldom next door and new technology is as much of a help as a hindrance, giving us all the illusion we are communicating when all we're doing is keeping the lines open. Regular exchanges are invaluable, but certainly not the glue that binds us together. We can reach out across cities and oceans, see the faces of friends and loved ones close up courtesy of Skype, but with such convenience comes a more casual approach that's wide open to misunderstanding. Who knows what your friend is reading between your lines and vice versa?
Like cars, every relationship requires a bit of an occasional service, and fine-tuning should be compulsory. Unlike our other relationships they're based entirely on personal choice and come without expectation or rules. We do well to feed them with what they need to flourish, rather than leave them to wither while our gaze is elsewhere. Every friendship goes through ups and downs. Dysfunctional patterns set in, external situations cause internal friction, you grow apart and then bounce back together. In traumatic moments friends can get the blame when partners are at fault, in divorces and separations they negotiate minefields and when we're feeling insecure they're judged to be lacking.
Familiarity in friendship definitely breeds contempt. Women are more likely to find fault with each other – indeed could be accused of being devoted to doing so – but conversely rely on each other for support far more than the male of the species. Just watching my daughter's gang of nine-year-old school pals in action is a consummate lesson in emotional intensity, unnecessary friction and deep dependence – incompatible elements that remain present as our friendships mature.
In your situation I'd quit the emails and have a physical reunion. Try to rekindle some old fire by doing something fun together and if you're still feeling frustrated choose a timely moment to talk it out. Too often it's our own foibles that sow the seeds of frustration in others and you need to carefully consider what's making you so vulnerable before you point the finger of blame. Bear in mind that a dishonest friendship isn't worthy of further investment while an honest one offers a refuge for life, so in this instance you've got more to gain and nothing to lose by expressing your misgivings.
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