'No relationship can maintain that breathtaking excitement when you first realise someone is looking at you in that way.' Illustration: Lo Cole for the GuardianIt meant nothing, is what I tell you. But while it meant nothing to me, I know it means something to you. And I knew it would when I did it.
I wish you weren't hurt by it, but I can't honestly say I regret it. It made me feel desired, powerful, successful for a while, in a way that it's simply not possible for you to make me feel any more. So?I?suppose it did mean something, and I just told you another lie.
Does this mean we should break up? I don't think so. No relationship can maintain that breathtaking excitement when you first realise someone is looking at you in that way, that you're going to be completely intimate with someone?new.
I know you're not going to break up with me because of this. Maybe I wouldn't have done it otherwise. But, no, I would have – because I?never intended for you to find out.
But you did, and now you're crying and shouting at me, and I'm aware that my face is hard and set and I must look angry, but I'm not. Not even at myself. I'm numb.
As for the other girl, I'm a little surprised you don't want to know more about her. I suppose that, even through your tears, you know she's not really anything to do with it. This is about me and you, and me doing something even though I?knew it would hurt you.
I know all that and I still don't regret it. But I wish you weren't sad. Because I love you.
‧ Tell us what you're really thinking at mind@guardian.co.uk
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