Tim Lott: 'My wife says that my having more money than her makes me feel -powerful. She’s right – up to a point.'This week I am going to write about the biggest taboo in relationships I know. Not sex, not death, not bodily functions. I'm going to write about money. Money in marriage is incendiary. It involves issues of power, feminism, patriarchy, trust and much besides. I have tried to write this column once before and had it flatly vetoed by my wife because she felt that?the ground I was treading on was too dangerous.
This column appears only after an emotional and sometimes painful back-and-forth about the subject. She accused me of sexism, while I suggested she was using double standards (I asked her, in her imagination, to switch the gender roles to see how it would look then).
My wife works as a part-time associate lecturer and, like many part-time workers, who are predominantly women, tends to be discriminated against in terms of financial reward and?employment opportunities. I, on the other hand, am reasonably well paid for challenging but not backbreaking work.
My wife does more of the childcare, cleaning and cooking than me. This is predominantly for practical reasons. She is physically at home for a lot more of the time than I am and, with a part-time career, she has more hours available. She also tackles all the laundry, having rejected my offers of participation in that area after I shrunk a cashmere sweater, pegged it out incorrectly and turned a dazzling white load grey.
I have somewhat more disposable income than my wife – because I earn significantly more than her. Although I cover a good deal of the family, holiday and household expenses, she doesn't feel this gap in resources is fair. But I am not quite sure what might make a better alternative. The idea that when you get married all your finances merge into one, strikes both of us as rather archaic. We both want to have our own money and bank accounts, rather than everything being in just one joint account.
The income inequalities also mean that if there's a big expense, like a foreign holiday or house improvements, I tend to have the last say. She feels that infantilises her, as she needs to "ask me". But we both recognise that in any circumstances where consensus is required – such as large expenditures – we need to ask each other anyway.
My wife says that my having more money than her makes me feel powerful. She's right – up to a point. It gives me an area of control, although I don't think I use it in order to control. I just think that some form of imbalance is inevitable.
When it comes to the house and children, my wife enjoys virtually total authority. She believes that she has earned that authority by putting the most effort into it. The power gravitates to her and she feels more comfortable with that arrangement.
Likewise, I believe there is bound to be a certain discrepancy over the amount of authority in financial matters so long as I generate most of the income. That is not to say I call all the shots or use the money to control my wife. I don't. There is just a discrepancy, and some measure of inequality in all marital arrangements is unavoidable. We get by.
I would say we have relatively few arguments about money. But it's tricky. There is a lot of counselling out there for emotional and familial difficulties in a relationship, whereas so far as I am aware there is very little practical advice on how to run family finances. And yet a number of studies identify disputes about money as causing more arguments in a relationship than any other issue.
Personally, I think the main solution is generosity of spirit and faith in the other person. I may be falling short in both these departments – in which case it isn't only the bank account that needs a top up. It's my trust fund.
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