I'm a middle-aged, married straight man with no children. From puberty until my mid-20s, I had a strong urge to cross-dress as an intensely private, sexual thing. I never wanted to go out cross-dressed, or had any transgender aspirations. By the time I met my wife, I thought I'd grown out of it, so never told her. But recently I've felt a strong urge to cross-dress again. I want to tell my wife, but I'm terrified of her reaction. I don't expect anything from her – but I'm worried that I could lose my soulmate. Should I dress behind her back?
When you begin to cross-dress again it will be uncomfortable to live with this secrecy, and you might even be discovered. Your unconscious mind may even play tricks so you unintentionally drop clues. Many men in your position discover that their own inner critic is far more shaming and punitive than their spouses would ever be, so consider telling her – ideally with the support of a knowledgeable therapist who could answer her questions and help normalise the common act of cross-dressing. You have a plausible reason for not telling her earlier. However, through ignorance, the most pressing question of spouses is usually: "Does this mean he's gay, or that he's going to turn into a woman?" Once reassured, and with education, understanding, support and validation of her feelings, you should be able to at least negotiate personal time for cross-dressing.
‧ Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
‧ If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@guardian.co.uk (please do not send attachments)
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