I still think of you from time to time. Probably, if I'm honest, more than is good for me. I need to move on. I have composed this letter many times in my head. If I finally send it, maybe I can let go. If I?am honest, the main reason I still think about all of this is because I?have never really confided in anyone. I?am anxious about people judging me?or him, or letting something slip in front of the children (who would be?angry, upset and very judgmental).
I feel I know you quite well, although we have never met. My knowledge of you comes from a variety of sources: the texts that ripped into my complacency, emails I have read (I became quite the Miss Marple), letters from your very angry daughter and, of course, from long (sometimes painful) discussions with your ex, who I am absolutely sure you assumed would soon be my ex.
I am, of course, aware that these snippets do not truly represent your essence. I have even wondered if I should meet you. I am curious about you. I also want you to see that I am attractive, capable, intelligent and compassionate. Had we met under other circumstances, could we have been friends?
In a strange way, I feel I owe you my gratitude. The revelation of your affair brought all the inevitable emotions, but what prevailed was a sudden self-awareness. I examined my own behaviour and realised that I had to accept some responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage, though not for the affair. That was all down to?him (and you).?
I'm not sure how happy you made him exactly. I just think he was less unhappy with you than he had become with me. I had stopped making time for us, made excuses to avoid being alone together. We had stopped communicating. When I told him I was going to fight for our marriage, he went away to think about it. I think he was surprised. But relieved. We both knew things had to change. Neither of us wanted to stay together because of the children or because it was convenient. We needed to want each other again body and soul.
After months of hard work and some therapy, I feel reconnected, grounded, loved. I have rediscovered my best friend, champion and lover. This is, at?least in part, thanks to you. You made me aware of exactly what we were jeopardising.
You found it hard to let go, with good reason. Maybe you didn't believe him; maybe you thought he would?change his?mind. It felt unresolved for a while. And that brings me to an apology. I'm truly sorry you have been?so hurt. I have never felt anger towards you even when I first discovered your texts. I cannot really feel hurt by someone I do not have a relationship with. I always knew you were a symptom of all the things going wrong in our marriage; that the hurt had been done by someone much closer to me.
I wasn't sure we would survive, but if we hadn't it would have been our failure, not your fault.
I hope you are happier now.
Anonymous
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