Low sex drive can be caused by stress, hormonal imbalances or lack of exercise, or by more insidious problems such as depression. Photograph: RubberBall/AlamyMy husband and I (both 27) love each other very much and after five years are still best friends. My sex drive used to be higher, but now I can go months without, while he wants it nearly every day. He's very generous and has compromised a lot, but I worry that I'm almost asexual. I occasionally get aroused or have sexual dreams, but only when we haven't been together in a while. Sometimes it's a different man in my dreams, which confuses me, because I've never met anyone I'm attracted to more than my husband.
There are many possible contributors to a person's low desire, so do some detective work. Stress, fatigue, hormonal imbalances or lack of exercise can be the culprits, but there are more insidious reasons such as depression, poor body image, or having deep, unexpressed resentment towards a partner. Caring for young children can cause it. Many prescription and over-the-counter medications can reduce desire.
Negative sexual views, fears of procreation, or more profound psychological issues can be at the core – sex therapy can help. Your words "best friends" raise a red flag, because some couples are too "enmeshed" for eroticism, which requires a little distance. Spending time engaged in separate personal interests will often kickstart renewed sexual interest – as?you've already discovered. And it's perfectly OK to have sexual dreams about other men!
‧ Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
‧ If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@guardian.co.uk (please do not send attachments)
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