Batteries not inclusive? … a collection of vibrators. Photograph: Laurence Dutton/Getty ImagesMy boyfriend of two years has a problem with my vibrator. I'm open about the fact that I pack a sex toy or two when I go on business trips, but he complains that he feels replaced and asks why I can't just miss him instead. I enjoy sex with him but also like extra stimulation and relaxation when he's not around. Am I being greedy?
No, you can have your cake and eat it too. Self-pleasuring is your right whether your boyfriend is around or not, and you do not need his permission. However, you could gently educate him that the sex toys most women like are not replacements for live penises, and that many people who enjoy fantastic lovemaking with a partner still pleasure themselves separately without it detracting from or undermining their shared sex life. It?is common for a person to be confused about issues of ownership when it comes to sexuality, but the bottom line is everyone has a right to private pleasure, and unless that right is exerted too much or becomes overly compulsive it should not interfere. But perhaps you have yet to teach your boyfriend exactly how you like to be touched. Perhaps his complaint is less about feeling left out and more about wanting to give you heightened pleasure. Could you teach him to incorporate certain motions – or even to use toys – during intercourse? Only you can help him be a better lover for you; consider that a wonderful gift for both of you.
‧ Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
‧ If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@guardian.co.uk (please do not send attachments)
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