Don't tell me my affair with a teacher was abusive – I'll be the judge of that | Bernadette Rooney

'There is a massive difference between accepting that Jeremy Forrest (centre) should be barred from his chosen career for life and accepting the kind of narrative being drawn around this story.' Photograph: Dan Dennison/Getty Images

My affair with my 27-year-old English teacher started in the second week of my English A-level course, when I was 16 years old. He had driven a group of students back from a production of Macbeth and went a strangely convoluted route which involved dropping me off last, parking up the lane of the farm next door. There followed a memorably glorious snogging session. The affair lasted about nine months until he unceremoniously dropped me in favour of a gorgeous new arrival.

This teacher broke my heart, landed me in serious trouble with disapproving teachers and friends, and went on to have similar affairs with countless sixth formers. But despite all that I am utterly dismayed by the five-and-a-half -year prison sentence given to Jeremy Forrest and the way this tragic story is being discussed. As seems obligatory, let me preface my remarks by saying that I am not advocating teacher-pupil affairs, and my husband, a deputy head of a sixth form, points out the tough rules banning this conduct are there for good reason.

However, there is a massive difference between accepting that Forrest should be barred from his chosen career for life and accepting the kind of narrative being drawn around this story. He is a being widely talked about as a "paedophile" or "pervert" who "abducted" a 15-year-old girl. And nor can we just blame the media – child protection and education experts are vying with each other to find ever stronger language to condemn him. He had "groomed" his pupil, exploited his position of power, and committed "abuse".

Jon Brown, head of sex abuse prevention at the NSPCC, told the Guardian that it was "an abusive relationship" irrespective of how the pair may feel, and chartered educational psychologist Alan Mclean says "It's an asymmetrical power relationship and the teacher is always the abuser."

And while the teacher is being presented as a monstrous sexual predator, so the pupil is painted as a vulnerable victim who will suffer long-term "damage". The experts' concern for the girl, however, does not extend to listening to her side of the story or respecting her repeated claims that the relationship was loving and consensual. Instead, experts like Brown specifically state that her positive view of the relationship is "an illusion". Brown goes on to stress that the dynamics are the same whether the girl is 10 years old or 15, and generalises to say that these relationships are "invariably" brought to a grinding halt that can prove extremely traumatic.

Well, I can certainly remember the traumatic end of my affair but that's where any similarities end. Unlike all those the press have uncovered, I was not damaged by the experience, and have thrilling memories of the excitement of a relationship with an older intelligent man who inspired my love of literature.

Nor I am alone. There are plenty of examples out there of young women who had affairs with their teachers and lived to tell the tale. Some teachers even go on to marry former pupils and live happily.

But such is the hysterical framing of this case that none of us are even allowed to say that. When Matthew Parris did the newspaper review on The Andrew Marr Show he tentatively admitted to feeling nothing but sympathy for the couple, only to get a tongue lashing from fellow reviewer Polly Toynbee, who made it clear the only acceptable position was condemnation of an older man abusing his power. Uncharacteristically, Parris sheepishly fell into line.

The BBC's Saturday Live responded to the story by interviewing a couple who told a moving and poignant story of being happily married for about 30 years after they hooked up as pupil/teacher. Going on to interview the couple's grown-up child, now a teacher herself, the presenters pressed her to denounce pupil-teacher relationships even though everything about her existence rests on a happy one.

I have no idea of the real impact of this relationship on these two people but it's safe to say that any damage will have been exacerbated by the punitive prison sentence and the outpouring of bile from all quarters.

I for one refuse to let the commentators and experts define my relationship with my teacher. I was not a child who was damaged by an abusive relationship with a paedophile. I was an intelligent young adult with the power of reason who knew what I was doing and I don't regret a thing. That I was dumped and had my heart broken was of course just good training for later life.

‧ Bernadette Rooney is a pseudonym

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