My teenage daughter is shy about sex in her relationship

'At first she had a hard time getting used to kissing. Now they have moved on to the next stage.' Photograph: Keith Morris/Alamy

My daughter is 19 and extremely insecure about her body. She met her first boyfriend three months ago and likes him a lot, but feels very shy when they are intimate. At first she had a hard time getting used to kissing. Now they have moved on to the next stage, which she says does not turn her on. She wants to stay with him and says that he is extremely patient and gentle with her, but she is too shy to talk to him about it. What should she do?

It's never easy to help out teenagers without being overly intrusive, and the challenges they face while developing partner sexuality can be worrying. However, most of the time their sexuality is none of our business, so it's best to relax and trust them to find their own way.

You've probably made sure that your daughter learned sexual safety rules, and what constitutes both consensuality and coercion, but apart from that, she should be given the privacy to develop her own erotic style. I can understand your concern, but when it comes to sexual growth, shyness and introversion are not necessarily obstacles.

Most children are uncomfortable acknowledging their sexual pleasure to parents – especially if they've sensed disapproval about their emerging sexual feelings in the past. It's certainly OK to check in with her from time to time concerning safety, birth control, and her general sexual wellbeing, but only step in to advise on sexual matters if she specifically asks for your help.

‧ Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

‧ If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@guardian.co.uk (please don't send attachments).

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