Lucy Mangan: a little goes a long way

Lucy Mangan: 'To slow the descent into insanity and risibility, we guilt-prone liberals must insist on maintaining a de minimis requirement before the guilt/rage/offence glands are activated.' Photograph: Alamy

There's a new word out?there, and if you haven't heard it yet, you soon will. (In the normal run of things, I?mean, not just because I'm about to mention it here.)

The word is "microaggressions". It?was first coined in the 1970s to describe the kind of small, non-physical interactions that nevertheless help create and perpetuate the oppressive environment in which a disadvantaged group lives. Basically,?it refers to the kind of thing that you would otherwise have to resort to clumsy circumlocution to avoid – for instance, "I couldn't put my finger on quite how or why, and it's hardly worth bothering about really, but, you know, it made me feel a bit shitty anyway." A billion examples can be found at microaggressions.com, which is lucky, or that?would be one highly misleading website address.

Identifying microaggressions is a?new (or at least resurgent) twist on?political correctness. And,?like?political correctness, it?is both a) a brilliant and fundamentally sound idea that would, if properly practised, result in greater happiness for a greater number of people; and b)?capable of quickly leading practitioners down spiralling corridors of guilt, anxiety and negativity that hide the original departure point from view.

These lead to barred and padded cells from which there can be no speedy return and outside which non-liberals gather to smoke?cigars, point and laugh. "You guys!"?they say, fat bellies and multiple chins wobbling with?glee. "You always take things too far!"

I, for instance, began by (I?think?usefully) mentally recasting heavy shop doors as not just a personal inconvenience but an actively hostile presence (to wheelchair users and people, primarily the wimminz, with prams). But by the end of the first week I had turned every man clearing his throat on the train into?a Vile Oppressor (women are taught to keep their phlegm dispersals private, ergo gender-specific mucosal tyranny). And by the end?of the month I was curled in the foetal position trying to decide on the validity of a friend's argument that, by going to the library, I?was depriving the publishing industry of vital support. Or that, by buying books, I?was depriving the library of vital support. I forget which, and the scratches I?made on?the floor as I tried to?work it out are indecipherable.

To slow the descent into insanity and risibility, we guilt-prone liberals?must insist on maintaining a?de minimis requirement before the?guilt/rage/offence glands are activated. For example, a man leers at a teenage girl on the street? Let them juice away and fuel your intervention, be it verbal or merely stink-eyed. Someone demands that you write a cheque to Faber every time you use the library? Ignore him and have a biscuit instead.

And don't forget that a relentless focus on all the negative aspects of the world will eventually destroy you and leave the place entirely in?the hands of the fat-bellied plutocrats outside your door. I'm putting a call out, therefore, for microniceties. If?you find any, for the love of – and?without wishing?to?denigrate, discommode or impugn those who do not believe?in any divinity or whose religious affiliation lies with one other than the Christian deity – God,?let me know.

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