I want to leave my abusive husband, but I'm too afraid

"Millions of women have suffered in the same way, made their escape and continued to lead a life free from threat." Photo: Dani Rodriguez/Alamy

The dilemmaI am 28 years old and have been with my husband for six years, married for two. I want to leave it because there's no reason to stay. It does not work. I get unemployment and we live with my sister. I have three children who are not his and he does not seem to understand that I don't want him screaming my kids all the time. He cheated on me and abused me physically. It is not more, but when he gets upset, as I can tell he still has this side violent which is one reason why I'm afraid to leave. What can I do?

Mariella answersLet certainly, but gives plans carefully; Normally, I am not in favour of the sneakiness, but your letter leaves me little illusions and little faith in your husband to redeem qualities. If he is physically in danger you and let alone actually harming you, then you must be in contact with social services. It is called physical abuse and unlike much of the third world where smacking your wife is the husband of divine right, we have laws and agencies of protection to ensure that the weakest and most vulnerable must not live in fear.

Ministry of the Interior has recently published an updated plan of action for the elimination of violence against women and children and expanded the definition of domestic violence to publicize the problems of young people and integrate the concept of coercive control as a form of abuse. In other words, you do not to be black and blue around to ask for help. Instead, taking control of your destiny and ensure the safety of your children is much better while emotions are not at their increased and the danger this man pose for you and your family to the extreme.

Refuge is a fantastic organization that provides advice and practical help to those who are hostage to violence from a partner. Help of the women is a charitable organization national domestic violence dedicated to helping children and vulnerable women. There is also the National Violence helpline domestic freephone on 0808 2000 247.

Too many women are waiting until they are crawling on their hands and knees to ask for help, assuming wrongly the severity of their case is judged by regularity and the end of violence. You do not want your first call to be a hospital rather than a helpline.

We pay taxes so that our humanist values are reflected in the services that put us at the disposal of all members of our society, by ensuring that those who need support, as you and your children have access to a system which guarantees equality of rights and protection for all. In this case it is certainly your right and your duty as a mother to access this help.

I know that with three young children, your hands are full, but you should not let this explosive situation to continue. We are all making mistakes in love, but such errors can be corrected. Now that you have identified the inadequacies of this man and his capacity for violence, you need to maintain the momentum. Talking to social services, talk to the Refuge, enlist the help of your sister and plot your escape.

A man who is abusive, aggressive kids and good for anything, it is simply not an option for a mother of three children. If you take your own safety and security seriously is your business, but your kids have the right to be protected and not live twilight lives in the shadow of your fear. I appreciate the enormous obstacles loom in your current situation and how far that any possibility of release of this dysfunctional partnership must appear, but you should take heart from the example of millions of women who have suffered in the same way, made their escape and continued to lead a happy and fulfilling life free of threat.

According to figures of the Fawcett Society, one woman in three in this world will be the victims of domestic violence at some point in their lives. The only positive aspect is that this confirms that you are far from alone.

You can change your life and you've already made your first step. You have all chances of a new existence, free of abuse. It is no time to try to go it alone. In your case the back up of qualified professionals will be essential, not only for tips, but also to help allay your justified apprehension. Once you're standing your own two feet, you'll be surprised how easy it is, you will find the direction that you need to start walking.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1

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