Breathe a sigh of relief, everyone – we are finally allowed to dump people by text. For a while, this was frowned on. Splitting up with someone by SMS was a heartless move that bordered on the sociopathic; a move for scoundrels who lack the basic empathy to, say, shred their loved one's clothing, pack it into binbags and hurl it at them.
But now it turns out that Russell Brand and Charlie Sheen – who both seem like perfectly nice men – have dumped people by text, which means it is probably OK for everyone else to start doing it too.
These were not casual little flings, either. Katy Perry has revealed that Brand ended their marriage with a text on New Year's Eve 2011, while Sheen reportedly just fired his own sitcom co-star by angrily bashing the c-word into his phone with his thumbs. This, I am sure you will agree, is wonderful news.
It means that we?now have carte blanche to end all?our important relationships with the minimum of fuss. Your girlfriend has been acting suspiciously? Text-dump. One of your employees has eyes that are too close together? Text-dump. Your baby has not yet learned how to use the toilet, despite being alive for six whole months? Text-dump immediately. It is so easy. You don't even need to tilt your head up to do it. What could be more perfect?
Obviously there are still matters of etiquette to consider. If you are going to dump someone by text, at least try to get the grammar right. "You're dumped" is a succinct statement of fact, but "Your dumped" is a simple kick in the teeth. Similarly, deploy your emojis carefully. A crying face will suggest that this was a difficult decision to reach, but using the top hat emoji – or, worse, the one that looks like a happy little dolphin – will only confuse things.
Finally, try to remember that if you do end up dumping someone by text, you should fully expect to be dumped by text in return. Which is bound to happen at some point anyway, you heartless git.
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