Getty Images"You're not alone in having sexual anxiety and worries about being with a partner."Doc,
I'm at a really low point in life, and it's all because my sex life has never been what I wanted it to be. I'm 31, never been with a girl sexually, have kissed, but have never done anything else. I've had opportunities to go farther, but I'm incredibly nervous around women and worry if they're going to like me or be excited by me sexually. Talking about it to friends and the girl I kissed didn't really help like I had hoped. What other things can I do?
You're not alone in having sexual anxiety and worries about being with a partner. Most of our readers can empathize and think back to times in their lives when sexual stress and performance anxiety impacted them. I find the origin of people's anxiety is a good place to start when beginning the process of managing or overcoming our sexual worries. Sometimes it's our childhood, attachment or past relational experiences. Other times, it can come down to simply not having enough education and exposure to help us feel prepared with sex and relationships.
For the first set of difficulties, sex therapy can be very helpful. Make sure it's a qualified, comfortable, open-minded sex therapist who doesn't skirt around issues like masturbation, fantasies, sexual concerns and anything edgy or uncomfortable. Make sure to get information about the therapist's education, degrees, history working in sex therapy and training history to make sure he or she is qualified. For the second difficulty, sex education, this is something you can work on yourself and make a dent in your discomfort with sex and confidence in the bedroom. There are hundreds of sex ed. books and instructional DVDs to choose from that will help you learn, get comfortable and grow in confidence.
Something else that can be more hands-on is working with a surrogate partner. The movie The Sessions put this art form of collaborative experiential treatment in full view of mainstream society. A surrogate partner (not an escort or prostitute) works alone in a session with clients to help them experience and overcome sexual concerns, intimacy difficulties and performance anxiety through communication, touch and sexual exercises.
Typically, a therapist works with the client on psychological aspects and collaborates with both the surrogate partner and client to devise a treatment approach best suited for the client. Everyone is different and what is most powerful depends on each client. Maybe an eye-gazing exercise opens the door to vulnerability for a client because they feel seen or witnessed by someone else. A cuddle or touch exercise can bring up emotions for clients if they have never felt the sensation and warmth of someone showing them affectionate touch. There are a variety of benefits to working with a qualified surrogate. Just like with a therapist, you should ask about their training, internship, experience and certification. Keep in mind surrogate partner therapy is not legal in all parts of the U.S., and some people travel to states where it is legal for intensive training.
I have a minor complaint, which is you never post questions about older people and their sex lives. I'm 66 and recently widowed. She was my first love and the only person I have been with. I've worked through her passing and am now facing the prospect of dating, sex and finding someone new. Do you have any suggestions about getting back on the horse?
To lose a loved one is awful, and I'm sorry to hear about this. While this experience is tragic, I'm thrilled to hear you're going to begin a new chapter with sex and relationships. I know it's not easy and there will be a lot to process when you meet someone, begin dating, become sexual?and get into another relationship. The best advice I can give you is to point you in the right direction for a resource.
I attend a number of sexuality conferences to keep up-to-date on what's happening with sex. One trend I notice in the field of sexology is a focus on seniors and sexuality. You may hear different words to describe people of advanced age and their sexuality: "gerontology," "mature," "aging," "late-stage sexuality" and so forth. I prefer "senior sex." One of my favorite books to help people navigate sex in the later years is by Joan Price called Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex. It’s hip, contemporary, open-minded and deals with the realities of sex for today's seniors, covering topics like medical issues impacting sexuality, sexual concerns, sexually transmitted infections and contraception, alternative sexuality, diversity of sexual expression, different orientations, and a host of other important senior sex topics. This book is a great start to getting back on the horse and feeling confident, empowered and prepared for the sex and dating scene. Next Page >>
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